Life Itself

[Last year, I put up a post called 2010 and this year I am going to do another one called 2011. I am tempted to make this a tradition.] You were exhilaration. You were disappointment. You were the tip of the mountain. You were the bottom of the sea. You taught me that coffee is bad for me, that being fat can happen more than once, that friendships and love can grow stronger with time, that no axiom applies to everyone, that risks need courage, that when you can't muster that courage - life makes you, that repetition is boring, that security is only as important as you make it, that change is liberating, that one genuine sentence can change hearts, that friends will be friends, that puppies make people both happy and sad, that hysteria* is possible, that revenge really scars everyone, that time does heal, that scrabble is fun at any age, that memory has a way of selectively keeping things that matter most, that lakes are serene, that sunlight streaming from your bedroom window...

What does it mean to be truly over something? Once in a while you go through an experience so intense that it never leaves the realms of your memory. It could be a person who traumatizes and leaves you scarred. It could be a breathtaking moment, one of those unreal, touching the line of impossible things. It could be a nightmare. It could be a taste that reminds you of something your grandmother makes. It could be a song on the radio at the exact moment that you thought of it. It could be a noise that scares you even in broad day light. You were one such experience for me. I wish I could cut you out, erase you, burn you and bury you. I wish you could feel every little inch of hatred that extends towards you. I hope you could feel pain, in ways that you inflicted upon me. I wish you could end.

Leaving is never easy. But it becomes almost impossible when there is systematic propaganda designed to make you belong and feel connected. There are very few places that give you the feeling of security and comfort, of knowing, to a great extent, that which lies ahead of you. And when time draws near to part from a place like that, it certainly isn't easy. So what is it that keeps me motivated to move on? I have learnt that I can't work for someone and be dictated to. I have learnt that freedom of expression and ownership are most important to me. And finally, I need to let those creative juices flow, else I feel suffocated and demotivated. When everything is designed to make me stay, self awareness makes me let go.

Feel the mud The dirt The grime The glass pieces Scrape your naked feet Feel the sky A hundred miles away Entirely out of reach Laughing Almost mocking you Feel the walls Closing in on you Every inch suffocating Cloistering Leaving you with no choice Give up. Feel your feet Rise Reaching out for the sky Scraping and climbing Clutching and running Fiercely believing. Yes, There will always be another day.

Bubble wrap your memories And seal them in boxes. Then on each lonely, sad day, Unpack one box at a time. Watch those mistakes set against all the happiness Those regrets against those wins. Laugh, cry, belive and heal Slowly losing one day to nostalgia.  And then close the box and store it for another gloomy day.

Take a needle and run it through your every vein. Hold a pointed nail against a blackboard and hear the sound it makes. Fill your room with no water and feel every breath slip outside. Run the fastest you have and then watch the snake still in sight. Remove the broken pieces of glass and sense your legs paralyzed. Fall from that building and hit the hardest ground as you collide. Stand still in the darkest room and feel a hand touch your back. Imagine the worst smell, the shrekiest sound, the harshest light, the worst death. Let go. Move on.

As I sat with a bunch of the most random people at 5 am, it hit me just how my world has completely turned around in the last one year. I don't think I'll ever forget the fear of entering a room full of people, all eyes on me, with a bag, two hours late. As scared as I was back then, I suddenly feel more grown up, less scared and much more self assured. So what is my "google moment"? (thanks for the idea s Kapur). Its a close fight between you actually convincing me you were a terrorist, a bunch of strangers feeling like friends at the word go, never ending nights at 10d, sitting on the engineering guest house roof, cleaning houses obsessively, taboo sessions, two heartbreaks, finding out that 25 year olds can be even more fun than 21 year olds, being drunk dialed by a girl, Goa ghost story at 3 am, finding an older brother, non Googlers who knew more about google than I did, Rishikesh, Sri sailem, pondicherry, walks in office, walks to the fountain, walks for baski...

What happens when you are disappointed so many times that you become resentful? How many let downs does it take before you become untouchable? When do heartbreaks cement your walls so high that no one can even see you? At what point does love seem more like a sport, a chase than a honest and real desire? Are we born into categories? Those that laugh when it hurts and those that break down? Those that care so deeply, they forget who they are and those that barely feel anything? Or does life lead us into the choices we make? What do you do when you know the space between human feelings and you is like a chasm? How do you cross the emptiness of selfishness and reach a point where you actually get attached? More importantly, do you?

I want to crack through your crevices. I want to understand your every little decision, put a finger on you every reaction. I want to be the reason you get up with a smile, the reason you can never sleep at night. I want to know each secret, laugh at private jokes and predict all your disappointments. I want to make you laugh so hard that you cry. I want to be the listener as you gush about your life. I want to be the talker who helps you feel better on a bad day. I want to be the last piece in your jigsaw, the last stroke in your masterpiece. I want to be your home, your safe place. I want to be the sudden sting that makes you drop everything. I want to be the butterflies in your stomach, the constant inexplicable desire, the most basic need. I want to be your favourite song under a moonlight night. I want to be the book that you wish never ends, the movie you have watched hundreds of times. I want to be that journey you 'll never forget, that picture which always make you smile....

There is something to be said about a vicious circle. Always starting differently, but ending the same way. When I reached the dead end, one more time, I knew I had a choice to make. I could choose to shut all doors, cut all lines of communication, raise those walls and run with all the air in my lungs. Or I could turn back and carefully retread that messy, painful and destructive path, one more time. I know I ran. I know I was an escapist and I know it was the right decision. Its almost amusing how all my life, my insane need to protect myself has made me the type of person who always runs, very very fast. Does that make me a coward? Maybe it does. Does that pain less? It most certainly does. So, I know there might be regret. I know there might be doubt. But I know that I'll be safe. And I know that safety will be enough.

Ice struck cold glance half hearted bold chance. Lead me on leave me back play your game defend and attack Enough said enough done make your move surprise and stun. One more story writ in stone another man down plenty, still to go.

"If we went any slower, we would be going backwards." I have heard this a couple of times but the latest was last night during a play. I am not sure what to make of this. Statements like this usually make me a little uncomfortable because there is so much anger, longing and stupidity all rolled into one. It makes me realise the insane human ability to settle. We all want that perfect, crazy fairy-tale. We want to be loved, in a I-can't-live-without-you way. We enjoy the attention, we crave for recognition. Then how do we get from all that to a point of mere compromise? I have decided. Despite all my moments of falling into almost-love, I ain't settling. Not until I find my fairy-tale.

I watched as they slowly chipped you part by part. As each one took a little bit of you and disfigured it. As every silent need made you less of the person I remember. I stared as every side of you changed into broken pieces, not fitting together anymore. As you become a multitude of relationships with nothing left to anchor you. As you gave up everything slowly, quickly. I almost screamed in disbelief but before the voice could get out, I saw you smile your best smile yet.

You are only a speck on my memories. Almost coincidental and meaningless. I have invested so much energy in you without any satisfaction in the past. I have devoted such a major part of my life to you. I have become a different person after longing for you. But every need is eventually replaced or fulfilled. Now my energies are diverted to healthier passtimes. I don't spend any time mulling over what used to be yesterday. I dont even regret or wish things were different. I have accepted your indifference and made it mine. I have moved so far from where you left me that you seem almost like an imaginary friend from childhood. One of these days I will get up and won't know if you were real or just a part of my revisionist memory. One of these days I will forget you.

In between almost perfect and nearly organized. In between half confused and mostly unsure. In between maybe and could be. In between somewhere and nowhere. In between now and never. There, Almost me.

*This post is mildly inspired by a friend's status message.* Sometimes when I take a backseat in my own life, I suddenly begin to have these strange realizations. This post is just one of those. Everyone has moments when they feel like the title of this post suggests. When it is impossible to deconstruct another person's irrational behavior. When there is no going around the crazy hot-and-cold way in which someone starts to behave. When despite all your ridiculous effort, it is impossible to get through to someone. When talking to someone starts to feel like banging your head against a wall.  In moments like this, I usually reach a point of frustration and give up playing before the other person does. Its only fun if there is some element of consistency. Yes, change is exciting but not if it is so unpredictable that you can't tell whether you are making a fool of yourself or actually getting somewhere. So do me a favour, all those of you that enjoy the crazy mind games...

"Its a major minor detail" Everything is just the same. I got up at the same time. Wore the same old clothes. Waited for the morning cab like every other day. Reached office at almost the  same time. Worked just like yesterday or the day before last. Ate the same curd and drank the same coffee. Left for home like all days this week. Switched on my computer and started blogging as if nothing had changed. Then I realised. Something had. Everything is in its place, but for one minor detail. 

There was silence. Long, painful. There was initiation. Short, weak. There was confusion. Insane, intense. There was acceptance. Quick, concealed. There was possession. Complete, bleak. There was denial. Strong, cheap. There was regret. Constant, deep. There was you. There was me. 

You know how there are some days that take you up and down memory lane so fast that you lose your breath? Today was one of those for me. If I look back at the last few hours and try to pin down life-changing, landmark moments, perhaps there were none. Yet, there was so much on my mind today that I don't know where or how to begin documenting all my thoughts. So I guess this is going to be one more random rambling, with no end or beginning. 1) School friends are friends forever. Today after years I actually sat down for coffee with a really old friend. It felt wonderful to be with someone who's seen you grow up. While I sat there, it felt so comfortable and normal. Like we had been meeting everyday. It felt like nothing had changed in the last few years. Just like always, we were still discussing boys and our families and movies. Perhaps the only thing that changed is that from gossiping about school friends we were discussing our colleagues. Also, instead of going on a wa...

I have been meaning to do this post for so so long that it seems cliched in my own head. I feel like I have read this somewhere before, like I have written this before. I am not sure if its just my brain playing tricks or if this thought has been done to death before. In any case, I am taking the chance of being repetitive because I need to get this on paper. Music. Five simple letters that have the power to change everything. There is this one song that always makes me happy, no matter where I might be. Then there is another that always makes me cry. Another that reminds me of my first boyfriend and then another that reminds me of my best friend. Each time I listen to a song I am taken back to the first place I heard it. For example, 'the last kiss' always takes me to 10 D. 'Years in the sun' always takes me to Sacred Heart Convent School - Raghav's farewell. 'Mr Lonely' transports me to my house in Saket on a particular day. 'White trash beautifu...

I am going to write you a letter describing everything I can't say. I am going to frankly pen down every emotion. The letter is going to talk about all that we have been through and everything I wish I had said to you back then. Its also going to describe all that I feel for you. For once, I will be honest and clear, without metaphor or abstraction. For once, I will tell it like it is. It will explain to you just how much I care about you and just how much everything you say and do means to me. And then I am going to seal the letter and bury it in my cupboard. 

I hear you say, what you can't speak. I see you hope, what you cant perceive. I sense you imagine, what you cant believe. I feel you desire, what you cant achieve. But I continue to pretend, for your self-esteem.

I was listening to this new song:  Our Kind of Love  and it got me thinking. What is my kind of love? I am not sure... Maybe a few years back I would be able to put it down in a few idealistic lines. Today I cant say with as much certainty. Part of me still wants that crazy fairytale. That sweep-me-off-my-feet moment that lasts forever. The kind of love that runs so deep and insane that rationality can't touch it even if we tried. The type that makes you do all the cheesy things that make everyone else want to throw up.  Yet, I have a stinking suspicion that I would be bored of the fairytale only too quickly. My kind of love would also have to be partly challenging. The type that keeps me constantly engaged with the idea of 'what if'. Perhaps it would go far enough but leave a slight doubt to keep me engaged, interested. Honestly, over the years I have slowly given up the idea of having a "type". I am easily bored by any type after a while. Perhaps my perfect ...

For quite some while now, I have been meaning to write this out. Not because I need to, but because I think I owe it to my few faithful readers to sum up the one theme that was in and out on my blog for a while now. Like you all might know, for a few months I was going round and round in eccentric circles. Amongst other things, my blog was dominated by this one thought, this one risk that I "almost" took so many times that by the end of it, it seemed pretty stupid and pathetic. You will be glad to know that whilst I stood at the edge of this decision, I did take a plunge. I leaped, and how I leaped. I plunged face forward into what could have been the worst decision of my life. Only, it turned out to be just one more mistake, stacked in the file of could-have been's. Life is strange. It can be quite a surprise if you watch yourself do things that you thought you never would. All my risky behavior has left me with is a slight amusement at how easy it was to move on f...

[Disclaimer: For those of you who always want to know who my post is for, this is not written for one person. It may read like a sloppy love poem, but its really not. If you want a clue, this poem is for everyone that’s meant something to me. If you know you matter to me, try finding yourself in there.] Remember that letter I wrote you once, finally forgiving all that you had done? Remember that day you taught me how to spell? Remember the nights filled with gossip under torchlight? The days you came back only because I missed you? The day you told me the most painful secret and trusted me with it? The days I lied to protect you? Remember, when we first fell in love?   The day we cried till early morning because I was leaving? The day you told me she was a lie and you loved me. The days you cycled for miles. Remember, when we were bold and passionate? The days we believed our whole lives were ahead of us. The day we walked for endless hours only because we wanted to. The day ...

There is a silence that you'll never comprehend. There is a veil that you'll never transcend. There is a language that you'll never understand. There is a history that you'll never own. There is a puzzle that you'll never complete. There is a hole that you'll never fill. There is a secret that you'll never be told. There is one reason. And you'll never know.

Where should I begin? You were the craziest year in a really long time. You saw me move from college to work. You changed everything that was stable and constant in my life. You saw me succeed, over and over again. You saw me strong and controlled. You saw me make new friends, forget old pain and move on. You saw me hold on, you saw me let go. You saw me charged and committed. You saw me move without any pause. You saw me constantly chasing. How do you move on from a year that encompassed so much change, so much shift and twist and break? A year that turned your entire life into a poster from someone else’s movie? How do you step into another year, without wanting to just hold on to everything that was, if only, for a minute longer? So what is it that I wish I had held onto from 2009? What are the things that I wish hadn’t ended with 2010? If I have to give you a quick, short answer, it would be nothing. I like where I am now and I don’t want to go back to where I was. But if I rea...