Tuesday, 30 November 2010

You are my lie

He doesn't understand me
I only hope that he does

He doesn't comprehend my silence
I only believe that he does

He doesn't see me sparkle
I only crave that he does

He doesn't like me for who I am
I only need that he does

He doesn't belong with me
I only pretend that he does.

Monday, 29 November 2010

Double meaning

Do you ever feel like you are having two simultaneous conversations with someone? One that is really being said and one that is almost said but kept away?

Lately I struggle so much with double meanings that I myself don't know if I am listening at all or I am recreating everything. One moment I hear something you have not said and another moment you say something that brings me crashing down. 

Strange as it may sound, I want to believe that we really are having two conversations. That each meaningless word means something. That each silence contains a million sentences. That you really are saying all those things that I "almost" hear. 

Unfortunately I never know. After each goodbye I am left wondering. On most nights I settle the matter by reconciling my ability to imagine with my ability to be rational. But then there are nights like today when settlement isn't possible. Nights when imagination triumphs.

Sunday, 28 November 2010

One of these days...

Make your move
And wait patiently
One of these days 
You'll get your due

Drop that hint
And turn away
One of these days
It'll be comprehended

Take every risk
And then forget
One of these days
It'll be worthwhile.

Thursday, 25 November 2010

Such is life

I watch you 
As you slowly mix 
The bubble formula

I watch you 
As you delightedly
Blow and smile

I watch you 
As your hopeful eyes
See the bubble grow

I watch you
As the bubble gently 
Blows my way

And then 

I watch you 
As I slowly take my finger 
And burst the bubble.

One more

Do you sometimes feel like shaking someone and asking them for the truth? 
Do you get up with the need to look someone in the eye and tell them how you feel?
Do you for a moment lose your inhibition and decide to take that chance? 

And then do you shut your child-like brain and get back to the humdrum of life? Or do you actually pick up the phone and make that call?

Wednesday, 24 November 2010

Memories of you....

There is a strange sort of nostalgia that pulls me towards you again and again. Each time I say goodbye and think I have forgotten, memories come reminding. 

Shards of yesterday
A million dreams 
Scattered and nameless 

I always wonder if I made a mistake with you. And the little space of could-be leaves me annoyed and just a little unsure. 

And as always I write about it and leave it like I see it, as a lingering-passing thought. Perhaps tomorrow I will remember a little lesser. Perhaps tomorrow I will finally let go.

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

What's your story?

As I walked with him and he told me a little bit of himself today, it hit me that humans treat parts of their history like sacred information. If I share part of me, I expect a part of you in return. However in most situations the sharing isn't equal. There's always a listener. 

The fundamental need to connect with others makes us give up parts of ourselves. Sometimes embarrassing, sometimes heartbreaking, sometimes life changing. Each time a story is told, a negotiation takes place. A silent testimony to the bond that exists between two people.

So each time I tell you my story, know that I am letting go off my fear, because I want to trust you and I want you to be the person I think you are. And each time you tell me a story, I know you are entrusting a part of your life in me and I hope I can keep it safe.

Today, go out, talk to a stranger and tell him your story. Or turn to that one friend and finally confide in him. Life's too short.. Take a chance with people, everyday. 

Monday, 22 November 2010

The Game

Roll the dice 
Let's see who wins
Play your bet
Make the wheel spin. 

Tell the first lie
And I'll tell the next
Move backwards
Struggle and suppress. 

Then when you are tired
Stop and reflect
Your pretense might be easier 
But how will you forget?

Saturday, 20 November 2010

And what do you believe in?

I watched Guzaarish today - for free - but that's another story. What I need to blog about is the stupidity of the movie. Actually the stupidity extends far beyond the movie. I have never understood the plea for euthanasia and the idea of suicide (and yes from the perspective of this argument they fall under the same category).

I get that you want to escape your current situation and I am no one to judge the extremity of your life. However the moment you decide to chose death instead I can't help but question your sanity. 

So you are obviously at the end of hope, don't see any miracle changing whatever it is that you are running from. But, you still have hope enough to believe that death is actually less painful and perhaps better! You go ahead, hurt the few people that probably actually care for you, and for what? For a mere possibility that the after life is after all slightly better. Unlike others, I don't think you are cowardly, I think you are completely foolhardy.

But who am I to judge your belief? After all there are a thousand such idiosyncrasies around. And if there's no law prohibiting you from following religion then perhaps there should be no law to prevent euthanasia or suicide. In the land of the crazy, you too should get to chose your own ridiculous belief.

Friday, 19 November 2010

Language. Cross out.
Words. Cross out.
Thoughts. Cross out.

But how do I forget
That silent 
Intense
Surreal
Way I feel
Around you?

Thursday, 18 November 2010

So what will it be?

There's a constant chatter somewhere in my head. No matter what I may be doing or how busy I may be, this one nagging thought continues to trouble me. I can't resolve it because resolutions often involve risk and that's not something I deal with very well.

I have always liked to believe myself to be a risk taker. But lately it's occurred to me that I may take a risk but after so much deliberation that it doesn't remain risky anymore.

I don't take risks, not unless I am pretty convinced of a positive outcome. I take little steps, testing the ground each time. I almost never take giant leaps.

I have lived the paranoid life almost flawlessly. However on some days I get up asking myself just how much I may have lost on the way because I didn't take that risk when I could have. I know I'll never know for sure. It's that fear of never being able to know that stops me from taking a chance. But it's also the same fear that prods me and pushes me to risk a part of me once in a while.

Each time I stand at the edge of a decision, the same question is asked. So what will it be this time? 

Maybe I'll just let this thought nag me for a while. Maybe I'll leap. Maybe I'll get bored of the constant noise and put it on mute. Maybe something even more annoying will displace it. Maybe.

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

Brainless heart

Instinctive desire
Animal sanity
Human need
No rationality

Taking every risk
Making every move
And then 
Regret

Reckless desire
Left uncontrolled
Effortlessly moving 
In opposite directions

Pulled together
Ripped apart
Stupid emotions
Brainless heart

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

If it helps...

Go and save yourself and take it out on me.

If it makes you imagine
Let's pretend you are in control
If it makes you stronger
Let's pretend I don't see through you
If it protects you
Let's pretend I don't see you need me
If it makes you better
Let's pretend you aren't just the same man

If it helps
Let's pretend.

And the flavor changes again....

I always knew that people and places go together. But what surprised me today was how places and feelings go together as well. It's strange that I can feel completely connected to someone and then in a different place, the same someone stops affecting me at all. 

I have always been aware of my ability to connect and let go very quickly, but I never knew the power of my own will to forget and move on. 

Perhaps my defenses are so protective that with even the slightest possibility of pain, I turn around and find something to distract me. Or maybe it's just the way I am programmed, to only care in situations where I am sure. 

It is insanely powerful to be able to have such control. To love and never be lost. To give and always get in return. To forget but never be forgotten.

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

Indecision

I realized today that it's possible to look forward to something without completely wanting it.

To need but deny.
To hope but forget.
To believe but pretend.
To hate but befriend.
To stop but suggest.
To hold but drift.
To wish but fret.
To love but regret.

Sunday, 7 November 2010

The Cycle

Snap
it breaks
everything thats hidden
everything thats safe
suddenly
screaming 
talking out loud. 

Poof 
it leaves
everything that mattered
everything that stayed
suddenly
vanishing
struggles in vane. 

Flash 
it regenerates
everything that rotted
everything that decayed
suddenly 
appearing 
brightest in shade. 

Saturday, 6 November 2010

Revenge

I had the strangest dream last night. Suddenly out of no where, I stood up for myself and spoke out loud. I finally said what I should have years ago. I finally let go off all the pain and self destruction. For one moment, I became free.

And then I got up.

Monday, 1 November 2010

What scares you the most? Is it knowing that you are alone or knowing that you are constantly being watched? Is it knowing that everything is nothing or knowing that everything could actually be something? Is it holding on too tight or letting go too quickly? Does it worry you that life is too short or that life may go on forever? Is it in knowing that you are most scared of or is it the unknown that cripples you?

What scares you the most?

For me, it's fear itself.