Thursday, 30 December 2010

Just one day

It was a thought
that just passed me by.
It was a reason
that suddenly caught my eye.
It was a sensation
that randomly startled me.
It was a glance
that one day jostled me.
It was a hope
that triggered me.

It was honesty.
It was gravity.
It was insanity.

It was desire.
It was dreams.
It was belief.

It was lies.
It was a disguise.
It was deceit.

Wednesday, 29 December 2010

Sweet Justice

There was silence.
There was hope.
There was want. 
There was desire.
There was pleading.
There was need.
There was hurt.
There was numbness.
There was pain.
There was blame.

Then there was indifference.

Monday, 27 December 2010

Only time

Going round and round in endless circles. No end, no conclusion. Just constant eccentricity. 

I have thought about full stops, but those are just too risky. So instead, I leave one more comma, one more trace of my stupidity and hope that you haven't judged me for it.

Sometimes I feel like I don't even know what I really want. I get to a dead end and don't see why I walked all the way in the first place. Perhaps it is just momentum that takes me from one level to another. Perhaps it is as always about the chase. Perhaps I really do want this to work out. Perhaps this time too my paranoia will get the best of me. 

Reminds me of one of my favorite songs.....

Who can say where the road goes.......only time!

Monday, 20 December 2010

Where is your safe place?

Earlier I wrote about places and feelings and this post is almost like a follow up to that one. Places and feelings do go together. Especially those of safety and security. Whilst one place can seem so unsafe and impossible to live in, just 15 mins away you can feel the most secure you ever have.

And as always, it really is about the people. Cities by themselves are hollow caricatures, not too different from one another. Perhaps geographically and historically distinct, but history and geography don't bring you back to a place too often. What keeps you connected to any place is those that stay there. 

Take for instance Ludhiana, a perfectly non remarkable town from the perspective of travel interest. Yet people like me feel a strange sense of completion and familiarity when they go there. Simply because there are people that matter that still stay there. Or then there are memories with other people that keep pulling us back.

Once again I am amazed at how social man is. How incomplete and desolate without other humans. How pathetic and lonely without those around him.

Saturday, 18 December 2010

There's something about nostalgia that makes it so irresistible. 

Today I was crossing an old familiar area and it brought back memories, so sweet and sour at the same time. 

Interestingly I cross this area almost everyday but it only rarely evokes emotions from the past. Partly because I am too engaged with the present and partly because it is exhausting to deal with the past everyday. Each time I think of all that's gone by, I invest a little more of myself in things that don't exist anymore. Now don't get me wrong, I am not advocating moving away from the past. It would be very hypocritical if I did.

I am the most nostalgic person I know. I draw my passion from all that's happened, I laugh at jokes from ten years ago and occasionally cry over things that happened fifteen years ago. I hold and never let go.

Having said that, nostalgia is a guilty pleasure and I don't I let myself indulge in it everyday. Simply because I can't afford to. My life has changed so rapidly over the years that before I know it, an era will pass me by if I think too much about the one that just ended. 

Tuesday, 14 December 2010

Black. White. Grey (Thanks for the inspiration, in more ways than one)

There are two types of people in the world. Those that look at black and white as separate, concrete, simple colors. And then others that see them as grey. The latter see things from the perspective of what they could be. They are never satisfied with things at their face value. They interpret and reinterpret to such an extent that the original words don't even matter. To them, black and white are irrelevant. What matters is where black merges into white.

Lately, I have been intrigued by the contrast between those that see things as they are and those that like to complicate and analyze even the most basic facts. In the words of someone I know, the first category of people is simple and direct. They don't perceive a grey. They don't feel the need to dwell deeper. They understand logic and require straight talk. 

The second category is the diametric opposite. They will find a mystery where there is none, question for so long that the answer stops mattering, they will always be critical and impossible to satiate. This variety only sees the grey. They prod so deep into everything that they forget to see things as they are. 

So what happens when simple meets complex, when two people that are so different collide? 

Perhaps it depends upon who let's go first. Perhaps they don't see the need for agreement. 

As a side, i am pretty sure i am the grey type. And the fact that I desperately want to delete this post and redo it with another layer of orange only proves that complication is definitely part of who I am!

Friday, 10 December 2010

You

A lot of people ask me who I refer to in all my posts. They want to know if "you" have a name. They want me to describe you. They want me to put you in a box and label you. They want to be able to grasp everything I feel for you. They want to be able to understand you, define you, stereotype you. They want to put a face to my words. They want to make you small, tiny and tangible. They want to make you finite and complete. 

But, what if...there is no you? What if you are stronger than their scope of comprehension and more omnipotent than their imagination? What if you exist, only as a figment in my parallel universe? What if you are colored in more shades than they have names for? What if you are too immense to capture in one single word? 

What if, you are, who YOU think you are. 

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

Concentric Circles (Thanks S. Kapur for the inspiration)

We initiate strangely, you and I.
We start, we stop.
We push, we pull.

We move with caution, you and I.
We spring, we regress.
We watch, we suggest.

We hit reality, you and I.
We recoil, we leap.
We reconcile, we grieve.

We move on, you and I.
We laugh, we regret.
We pretend, we forget.

Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Lately, I have gotten so used to posting everyday that the sudden gap on this blog has left me a little unhappy. And no, I haven't developed a writers bloc or suddenly found myself too busy. Rather, I have had too many thoughts on my mind. When my mind works at this speed, I cant slow down and put things down on paper. So on days like these, I just let myself be, ponder over and over, sulk a little, and then move to the next day. 

How do you categorize things that are so far apart, so abstract and so complicated? How do you successfully preserve every thought, without losing the free spirit that guides it? 

Since, I clearly don't know how, today I am just going to write about random things on my mind. 

1) Premonition: This thought has been on my mind for a number of days now. A conversation with someone brought it up and I think about it pretty often. Is premonition possible? Can we really sense things before they can happen? Very often, I feel things that I believe exist, even before I know what they are. There are instances when I can almost touch tomorrow, when I can reach to what will be. But then I stop. I laugh at myself. I question every instinct and dismiss every gut feeling. I am often left wondering: Is it my mind playing tricks? Or is there some substance to all these "near" feelings? 

2) Reputation: As I have started working, I have become more and more aware of how people judge me. I have also become more conscious of how I judge people. Sometimes I wish there was no judging or repercussion. The curious me wants to know if all of us, including me, would behave differently. 

3) Interspace: The first time I heard of this concept was at NUS. The idea that we are filling all our in-between time with something, always making the best possible utilization of the time we have. Each time I sit in the car and put on my music, I make a decision, to personalize my interspace, to tune out all those around me. That is the one hour in the day that I spend with myself and my thoughts. As much as I love other people, I love the little time that is reserved only for me. 

4) The Chase: I was speaking to a friend the other night and we started talking about how our lives are all about the chase. We constantly move in circles (discussion for another post) and come back to the same point. We start with passion, excitement and commitment. We then meet hope, persuasion and need. Eventually we bump into either disappointment or boredom. And then, we move on. Yet, humans never tire of the chase. We stumble, and we get up again. Because we know no other way. Because being stable and stationary is too simple and straightforward. We like to complicate things. We like to lose so that we can start over. We are the "glass half empty" species. 

I could go on forever. But that's all I have for tonight. Perhaps tomorrow will be a more focussed day. 

Saturday, 4 December 2010

Stranger, what's your motive?

It's always heart warming to meet someone who's been in the same space as you. Someone who understands what you are saying because he or she has experienced it first hand.

But.

Our brains are so easy to trick. All someone needs to do is talk about something that is even slightly important to us and we go crashing down hill. Sometimes I wonder how many people misuse this basic human need of belonging.

We meet new people so often. How is one to know that they aren't just feeding on our weaknesses. How can one say for sure that the person you met yesterday is not using the information he has on you to manipulate you?

Maybe it's naive to not ask these questions before giving parts of yourself to someone. Maybe it'd take a paranoid mind to even stumble upon such a thought.

Friday, 3 December 2010

What next?

I have always held one belief close to my heart. People can never be forgotten unless someone else comes and takes their place. It's near impossible to get over someone unless you get distracted by another human being. 

Only question is - how easy are you to distract? With my short attention span, this come quite naturally to me. I can be totally hung over someone one day and completely over them the next. 

What doesn't come naturally to me is actually staying in one monogamous space, without feeling the need to meet new people or have more refreshing experiences. 

Maybe one of these days someone is going to come along with the ability to keep my attention. Someone who can effortlessly keep me focussed and engaged. That or, I'll just simmer and settle. 

Thursday, 2 December 2010

Farther Away

I wonder about you 
Sometimes

I miss your poetry
Sometimes

I long to hear you 
Sometimes

I crave for completion
Sometimes

Only
Sometimes


Wednesday, 1 December 2010

Because mother's know best!

There are some things that only your mother knows about you. No matter how much anyone else may try, it's impossible to gain that depth of understanding that a mother has about her child.  

I have always known this to be true. A few days back my mother said something that proved it all over again.   She pointed out the fact that I have crazy will power. That once I decide something, no one can change my mind. 

My mothers favourite illustration involves my giving up thumb-sucking. I was one year old and my parents had tried nearly everything: putting spices on my finger, tying them with bandage, telling me a hundred stories. As you may imagine, they failed miserably. Then one day my father looked at me, pointed at my teeth and said "Zoya all your teeth will fall out!". I simply confirmed if he has being serious and needless to say, that was the last time I sucked my thumb. At this point of her story telling, my mother usually recounts her fear at how crazy my will power was considering I was only one. 

Just yesterday, my mother added another illustration to prove her point. This one involves my giving up non veg food. She doesn't know why I did it. Actually almost no one does. But she does know that it took all my insane will power to do it. 

So while the entire world may question my ability to finally make a decision and stick by it, my mother knows that I will. And guys, this time too, I'll prove her right.