Friday, 25 February 2011

"The attitude is killing"

*This post is mildly inspired by a friend's status message.*

Sometimes when I take a backseat in my own life, I suddenly begin to have these strange realizations. This post is just one of those.

Everyone has moments when they feel like the title of this post suggests. When it is impossible to deconstruct another person's irrational behavior. When there is no going around the crazy hot-and-cold way in which someone starts to behave. When despite all your ridiculous effort, it is impossible to get through to someone. When talking to someone starts to feel like banging your head against a wall. 

In moments like this, I usually reach a point of frustration and give up playing before the other person does. Its only fun if there is some element of consistency. Yes, change is exciting but not if it is so unpredictable that you can't tell whether you are making a fool of yourself or actually getting somewhere. So do me a favour, all those of you that enjoy the crazy mind games, STOP. 

Otherwise, like always, I am going to write you off as one more regret, and move on. 

Thursday, 17 February 2011

Minor Detail

"Its a major minor detail"

Everything is just the same. I got up at the same time. Wore the same old clothes. Waited for the morning cab like every other day. Reached office at almost the  same time. Worked just like yesterday or the day before last. Ate the same curd and drank the same coffee. Left for home like all days this week. Switched on my computer and started blogging as if nothing had changed.

Then I realised. Something had. Everything is in its place, but for one minor detail. 

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

Ego

There was silence.
Long, painful.
There was initiation.
Short, weak.
There was confusion.
Insane, intense.
There was acceptance.
Quick, concealed.
There was possession.
Complete, bleak.
There was denial.
Strong, cheap.
There was regret.
Constant, deep.

There was you.
There was me. 

Saturday, 12 February 2011

A day in the life of....

You know how there are some days that take you up and down memory lane so fast that you lose your breath?

Today was one of those for me. If I look back at the last few hours and try to pin down life-changing, landmark moments, perhaps there were none. Yet, there was so much on my mind today that I don't know where or how to begin documenting all my thoughts.

So I guess this is going to be one more random rambling, with no end or beginning.

1) School friends are friends forever. Today after years I actually sat down for coffee with a really old friend. It felt wonderful to be with someone who's seen you grow up. While I sat there, it felt so comfortable and normal. Like we had been meeting everyday. It felt like nothing had changed in the last few years. Just like always, we were still discussing boys and our families and movies. Perhaps the only thing that changed is that from gossiping about school friends we were discussing our colleagues. Also, instead of going on a walk, we decided to drive to Saket and have coffee. Pretty much felt like class eight. And yet, we have grown up so much. We have learnt from life, become slightly cynical, realistic. However, when we sat there, we were still two little girls with dreams for tomorrow. Nobody else makes me feel that much at ease as a friend from school does.

2) I have known this for a while, but something reiterated it for me today. I hate it when people change their minds. HATE. I thought, maybe over the years I'll learn to deal with this side of me. But I haven't. I still get completely annoyed and sulk when people change plans last minute. Not that I don't like spontaneity. Its just that when I plan things with someone, my brain has a strange way of getting attached to the plan. It might be something as silly as watching a movie with my mom or something as big as planning a trip. Both annoy me equally when they don't work out. I feel let down. And I have a way of shutting down for a while. Sort of like a brain freeze. I know one of these days I'll have to deal with this side of me. But for now, I simply sulk and make a mental note never to get attached to a similar plan again.

3) The one person I will always be protective of is my little brother. No matter how much I might fight with him, it still really hurts to see him sad. And I know he's the one person I would kill for. Him and I have a strange relationship. We can spend an entire evening together without saying too much. But there is this silent love that constantly flows. We also have strange nostalgic things that we do together. Like listening to Rockstar each time we go over the DND with our windows down. Or just gossiping about everyone else! My little brother will always own the biggest part of my heart.

4) It takes very long to fall for someone. Every little moment as you judge someone, as you listen to them, you fall a little, sometimes a lot, and then you jump back to reality. Sometimes you fall right back. But once you are done, it only takes someone else to make you move on. It takes forever to get to a point of complete devotion. Unfortunately, it only takes a fresh breath to get completely distracted.

Thats all for now. Hopefully tomorrow will be a less confusing day!

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

Music

I have been meaning to do this post for so so long that it seems cliched in my own head. I feel like I have read this somewhere before, like I have written this before. I am not sure if its just my brain playing tricks or if this thought has been done to death before. In any case, I am taking the chance of being repetitive because I need to get this on paper.

Music. Five simple letters that have the power to change everything.

There is this one song that always makes me happy, no matter where I might be. Then there is another that always makes me cry. Another that reminds me of my first boyfriend and then another that reminds me of my best friend.

Each time I listen to a song I am taken back to the first place I heard it. For example, 'the last kiss' always takes me to 10 D. 'Years in the sun' always takes me to Sacred Heart Convent School - Raghav's farewell. 'Mr Lonely' transports me to my house in Saket on a particular day. 'White trash beautiful' transports me to a time in my life a few years ago. 'Jane Do' takes me back so many years that I don't even remember  how old I was back then.

Music connects me with people, it has a strange way of enveloping my relationships, such that I cant even tell the two apart. Some songs make me cringe only because I heard them in a place that I was feeling unsafe in. Some others instinctively make me feel safe because my brain mistakes them for people that made me feel secure. Take for instance Ghazals. Those always remind me of my mother driving a car in Ludhiana and me in the passenger seat. Or 500 miles, that always reminds me of this one particular road trip from Delhi to Ludhiana with my parents.

Interestingly most of my strong relationships have a layer of rhythm somewhere hidden underneath. So if  I don't have a musical memory with someone it is safe to assume that I haven't had enough meaningful moments with them.

And all this coming from a self professed 'musically challenged' person. You have got to give it to music. There is a powerhouse in every song, in every lyric, in every thump. There is something spiritual about so many instruments coming together to make simple words memorable. Something magical about the way a good song never goes out of fashion and a good rhythm is never forgotten. 

Sunday, 6 February 2011

Like I always do

I am going to write you a letter describing everything I can't say. I am going to frankly pen down every emotion. The letter is going to talk about all that we have been through and everything I wish I had said to you back then. Its also going to describe all that I feel for you. For once, I will be honest and clear, without metaphor or abstraction. For once, I will tell it like it is. It will explain to you just how much I care about you and just how much everything you say and do means to me.

And then I am going to seal the letter and bury it in my cupboard. 

Saturday, 5 February 2011

Pretense

I hear you say,
what you can't speak.

I see you hope,
what you cant perceive.

I sense you imagine,
what you cant believe.

I feel you desire,
what you cant achieve.

But I continue to pretend,
for your self-esteem.


My kind of love

I was listening to this new song: Our Kind of Love and it got me thinking. What is my kind of love? I am not sure... Maybe a few years back I would be able to put it down in a few idealistic lines. Today I cant say with as much certainty.

Part of me still wants that crazy fairytale. That sweep-me-off-my-feet moment that lasts forever. The kind of love that runs so deep and insane that rationality can't touch it even if we tried. The type that makes you do all the cheesy things that make everyone else want to throw up. 

Yet, I have a stinking suspicion that I would be bored of the fairytale only too quickly. My kind of love would also have to be partly challenging. The type that keeps me constantly engaged with the idea of 'what if'. Perhaps it would go far enough but leave a slight doubt to keep me engaged, interested.

Honestly, over the years I have slowly given up the idea of having a "type". I am easily bored by any type after a while. Perhaps my perfect relationship cant be defined because any definition would be too restrictive. My kind of love would change with everyday, with no day like the last. The only constant with my type of love would be surprise!