Wednesday, 9 January 2013

"I think I'll be brave"

Nothing goes as planned.
You were an accident.
A chance, a mistake.

If I could, I would redo
I would erase the mischance,
I would rewind to our day.

Everything will change.
Nothing will stay the same.
You & I will move on.

Maybe I will hold your hand.
Maybe I will kiss you goodbye.
Maybe you will stay. 

Sunday, 6 January 2013

What it really means..

What does it really mean? All of this shiny-sparkly-attractive mess?

What does it mean to have to wake up without an alarm clock? To get up, because you simply couldn't sleep any longer? To lie down only when your eyes can't take it anymore? To talk like a strange person who has a million simultaneous thoughts? To listen, but mostly pretend. To have a million thoughts cross your mind, a million lists on every page of every notebook you ever owned, a million things, and very very little time?

What does it really mean? All this powerful-driven-crazy mess?

What does it mean to know that you are the last word on something? To have people look at you for answers? To not have a back-up, a safety-net, any option? To have all eyes glued, all attention received, all ears in your direction? To hear the applause, but not feel it? To reach a point of so much crazy that even dinner seems like an indulgence? To listen to your own story and not relate to it?

What does it really mean? All this?

To wake up busy, to sleep busy, to eat busy, to think busy, to feel busy?

To wake up happy, to sleep happy. That's what it really means. All this.

Wednesday, 2 January 2013


[For the last two years I have been putting up an end of year post: 2010, 2011. This year, I turned this blog off sometime in July. Now this post needs context, so here I am posting again.... something's are so hard to let go off.]

You were a year of turmoil. A year of change. A year of growing up. 2012, I never should have let you have your way with me.

You were uncertainty  You were pain. You were the incomplete lyrics of the poem that never became. You were the start of the end. You were the road's last bend. You were achievement. You were insane.

2012 started off as a year on drugs - quitting my job, setting up my start-up,  and somewhere in between finding, losing and finding myself again. I learnt that real friends stay with you, even when you give up on them. I learnt that people change, that some places do too, that some always stay the same. I learnt to depend, I learnt to trust, I learnt to let people in. I learnt to halt. I learnt that things that hurt are best let go off. I learnt that lying to yourself is criminal. I learnt that being honest to yourself is sometimes impossible.

As I lost the rhythm from last year - all that kept me busy at college, at Google - all suddenly tossed away, I learnt to be patient, to take each day as it comes, to hope and trust, to be optimistic, to be realistic. I learnt to lead, I learnt to follow, I learnt to be fair, I learnt to stand up, I learnt to bow down.

I saw things without rose colored glasses. I saw success just a decimeter away, and quickly slip away. I realized the difference between reality and a simple mirage. I saw the fighting urge crawling and gnawing at every last hope. I saw the cliff and confronted the most important question: would we fly or would we fall?

I shook hands with real thrill, with insane power, with daunting responsibility. I slept with dreams, I flirted with possibilities, I committed to a crazy plan. I held on, I stumbled on. I felt tiny joy as each milestone was met. I learnt to hit stop, to sigh, and to never regret. I learnt to move, to do a jig, to carry on.

I learnt, I re-learnt, I re-tried.