Life Itself

There are some things that only your mother knows about you. No matter how much anyone else may try, it's impossible to gain that depth of understanding that a mother has about her child.   I have always known this to be true. A few days back my mother said something that proved it all over again.   She pointed out the fact that I have crazy will power. That once I decide something, no one can change my mind.  My mothers favourite illustration involves my giving up thumb-sucking. I was one year old and my parents had tried nearly everything: putting spices on my finger, tying them with bandage, telling me a hundred stories. As you may imagine, they failed miserably. Then one day my father looked at me, pointed at my teeth and said "Zoya all your teeth will fall out!". I simply confirmed if he has being serious and needless to say, that was the last time I sucked my thumb. At this point of her story telling, my mother usually recounts her fear at how crazy my will powe...

He doesn't understand me I only hope that he does He doesn't comprehend my silence I only believe that he does He doesn't see me sparkle I only crave that he does He doesn't like me for who I am I only need that he does He doesn't belong with me I only pretend that he does.

Do you ever feel like you are having two simultaneous conversations with someone? One that is really being said and one that is almost said but kept away? Lately I struggle so much with double meanings that I myself don't know if I am listening at all or I am recreating everything. One moment I hear something you have not said and another moment you say something that brings me crashing down.  Strange as it may sound, I want to believe that we really are having two conversations. That each meaningless word means something. That each silence contains a million sentences. That you really are saying all those things that I "almost" hear.  Unfortunately I never know. After each goodbye I am left wondering. On most nights I settle the matter by reconciling my ability to imagine with my ability to be rational. But then there are nights like today when settlement isn't possible. Nights when imagination triumphs.

Make your move And wait patiently One of these days  You'll get your due Drop that hint And turn away One of these days It'll be comprehended Take every risk And then forget One of these days It'll be worthwhile.

I watch you  As you slowly mix  The bubble formula I watch you  As you delightedly Blow and smile I watch you  As your hopeful eyes See the bubble grow I watch you As the bubble gently  Blows my way And then  I watch you  As I slowly take my finger  And burst the bubble.

Do you sometimes feel like shaking someone and asking them for the truth?  Do you get up with the need to look someone in the eye and tell them how you feel? Do you for a moment lose your inhibition and decide to take that chance?  And then do you shut your child-like brain and get back to the humdrum of life? Or do you actually pick up the phone and make that call?

There is a strange sort of nostalgia that pulls me towards you again and again. Each time I say goodbye and think I have forgotten, memories come reminding.  Shards of yesterday A million dreams  Scattered and nameless  I always wonder if I made a mistake with you. And the little space of could-be leaves me annoyed and just a little unsure.  And as always I write about it and leave it like I see it, as a lingering-passing thought. Perhaps tomorrow I will remember a little lesser. Perhaps tomorrow I will finally let go.

As I walked with him and he told me a little bit of himself today, it hit me that humans treat parts of their history like sacred information. If I share part of me, I expect a part of you in return. However in most situations the sharing isn't equal. There's always a listener.  The fundamental need to connect with others makes us give up parts of ourselves. Sometimes embarrassing, sometimes heartbreaking, sometimes life changing. Each time a story is told, a negotiation takes place. A silent testimony to the bond that exists between two people. So each time I tell you my story, know that I am letting go off my fear, because I want to trust you and I want you to be the person I think you are. And each time you tell me a story, I know you are entrusting a part of your life in me and I hope I can keep it safe. Today, go out, talk to a stranger and tell him your story. Or turn to that one friend and finally confide in him. Life's too short.. Take a chance with people, ev...

Roll the dice  Let's see who wins Play your bet Make the wheel spin.  Tell the first lie And I'll tell the next Move backwards Struggle and suppress.  Then when you are tired Stop and reflect Your pretense might be easier  But how will you forget?

I watched Guzaarish today - for free - but that's another story. What I need to blog about is the stupidity of the movie. Actually the stupidity extends far beyond the movie. I have never understood the plea for euthanasia and the idea of suicide (and yes from the perspective of this argument they fall under the same category). I get that you want to escape your current situation and I am no one to judge the extremity of your life. However the moment you decide to chose death instead I can't help but question your sanity.  So you are obviously at the end of hope, don't see any miracle changing whatever it is that you are running from. But, you still have hope enough to believe that death is actually less painful and perhaps better! You go ahead, hurt the few people that probably actually care for you, and for what? For a mere possibility that the after life is after all slightly better. Unlike others, I don't think you are cowardly, I think you are completely foolha...

Language. Cross out. Words. Cross out. Thoughts. Cross out. But how do I forget That silent  Intense Surreal Way I feel Around you?

There's a constant chatter somewhere in my head. No matter what I may be doing or how busy I may be, this one nagging thought continues to trouble me. I can't resolve it because resolutions often involve risk and that's not something I deal with very well. I have always liked to believe myself to be a risk taker. But lately it's occurred to me that I may take a risk but after so much deliberation that it doesn't remain risky anymore. I don't take risks, not unless I am pretty convinced of a positive outcome. I take little steps, testing the ground each time. I almost never take giant leaps. I have lived the paranoid life almost flawlessly. However on some days I get up asking myself just how much I may have lost on the way because I didn't take that risk when I could have. I know I'll never know for sure. It's that fear of never being able to know that stops me from taking a chance. But it's also the same fear that prods me and pushes me to...

Instinctive desire Animal sanity Human need No rationality Taking every risk Making every move And then  Regret Reckless desire Left uncontrolled Effortlessly moving  In opposite directions Pulled together Ripped apart Stupid emotions Brainless heart

Go and save yourself and take it out on me. If it makes you imagine Let's pretend you are in control If it makes you stronger Let's pretend I don't see through you If it protects you Let's pretend I don't see you need me If it makes you better Let's pretend you aren't just the same man If it helps Let's pretend.

I always knew that people and places go together. But what surprised me today was how places and feelings go together as well. It's strange that I can feel completely connected to someone and then in a different place, the same someone stops affecting me at all.  I have always been aware of my ability to connect and let go very quickly, but I never knew the power of my own will to forget and move on.  Perhaps my defenses are so protective that with even the slightest possibility of pain, I turn around and find something to distract me. Or maybe it's just the way I am programmed, to only care in situations where I am sure.  It is insanely powerful to be able to have such control. To love and never be lost. To give and always get in return. To forget but never be forgotten.

I realized today that it's possible to look forward to something without completely wanting it. To need but deny. To hope but forget. To believe but pretend. To hate but befriend. To stop but suggest. To hold but drift. To wish but fret. To love but regret.

Snap it breaks everything thats hidden everything thats safe suddenly screaming  talking out loud.  Poof  it leaves everything that mattered everything that stayed suddenly vanishing struggles in vane.  Flash  it regenerates everything that rotted everything that decayed suddenly  appearing  brightest in shade. 

I had the strangest dream last night. Suddenly out of no where, I stood up for myself and spoke out loud. I finally said what I should have years ago. I finally let go off all the pain and self destruction. For one moment, I became free. And then I got up.