Life Itself

"If we went any slower, we would be going backwards." I have heard this a couple of times but the latest was last night during a play. I am not sure what to make of this. Statements like this usually make me a little uncomfortable because there is so much anger, longing and stupidity all rolled into one. It makes me realise the insane human ability to settle. We all want that perfect, crazy fairy-tale. We want to be loved, in a I-can't-live-without-you way. We enjoy the attention, we crave for recognition. Then how do we get from all that to a point of mere compromise? I have decided. Despite all my moments of falling into almost-love, I ain't settling. Not until I find my fairy-tale.

I watched as they slowly chipped you part by part. As each one took a little bit of you and disfigured it. As every silent need made you less of the person I remember. I stared as every side of you changed into broken pieces, not fitting together anymore. As you become a multitude of relationships with nothing left to anchor you. As you gave up everything slowly, quickly. I almost screamed in disbelief but before the voice could get out, I saw you smile your best smile yet.

You are only a speck on my memories. Almost coincidental and meaningless. I have invested so much energy in you without any satisfaction in the past. I have devoted such a major part of my life to you. I have become a different person after longing for you. But every need is eventually replaced or fulfilled. Now my energies are diverted to healthier passtimes. I don't spend any time mulling over what used to be yesterday. I dont even regret or wish things were different. I have accepted your indifference and made it mine. I have moved so far from where you left me that you seem almost like an imaginary friend from childhood. One of these days I will get up and won't know if you were real or just a part of my revisionist memory. One of these days I will forget you.

In between almost perfect and nearly organized. In between half confused and mostly unsure. In between maybe and could be. In between somewhere and nowhere. In between now and never. There, Almost me.

*This post is mildly inspired by a friend's status message.* Sometimes when I take a backseat in my own life, I suddenly begin to have these strange realizations. This post is just one of those. Everyone has moments when they feel like the title of this post suggests. When it is impossible to deconstruct another person's irrational behavior. When there is no going around the crazy hot-and-cold way in which someone starts to behave. When despite all your ridiculous effort, it is impossible to get through to someone. When talking to someone starts to feel like banging your head against a wall.  In moments like this, I usually reach a point of frustration and give up playing before the other person does. Its only fun if there is some element of consistency. Yes, change is exciting but not if it is so unpredictable that you can't tell whether you are making a fool of yourself or actually getting somewhere. So do me a favour, all those of you that enjoy the crazy mind games...

"Its a major minor detail" Everything is just the same. I got up at the same time. Wore the same old clothes. Waited for the morning cab like every other day. Reached office at almost the  same time. Worked just like yesterday or the day before last. Ate the same curd and drank the same coffee. Left for home like all days this week. Switched on my computer and started blogging as if nothing had changed. Then I realised. Something had. Everything is in its place, but for one minor detail. 

There was silence. Long, painful. There was initiation. Short, weak. There was confusion. Insane, intense. There was acceptance. Quick, concealed. There was possession. Complete, bleak. There was denial. Strong, cheap. There was regret. Constant, deep. There was you. There was me.