Saturday, 20 September 2014

"Here Without You"

The first time I learnt to let go of someone took many, many years and hurt a truckload. I remember trying every way to reach out but I was only a child and this was my first heartbreak and he was immune to pain and hatred and blame. He had been through too much to let a child's desperate need for definition, explanation, pull him back. He shut me out, almost mercilessly. He said, "you are always in my heart". I never understood how that could be true.

Now I look back and realize how much that taught me. All my protective covering comes from the pain you left me with. Over time letting go has become easier. I now know that nothing is permanent and I appreciate the fleeting pleasure of companionship and the momentary sense of security and the fleeting hope that maybe loneliness has a cure.

I have come a long way. I have moved far away from where you left me. And I have grown to understand that even when wounds don't heal, the pain numbs and reality becomes a shade different from reality.

I want to believe that I still live in your heart. I want to imagine that despite all the distance, you would still recognize my emotions as I try to disguise them. I want to hold onto the last fragment that you left me with and want it to become bigger than everything else.

Because if you don't, then I can't. Without your truth, the harsher truth confronts me - that anyone can let anyone go.

10 comments:

  1. Now that's what I call writing with talent AND guts. Bravo!

    AnL

    ReplyDelete
  2. Isabel Allende says in Sum of Our Days, "Little by little your absence and other losses in my life are turning into a sweet nostalgia". So beautifully expressed by you, "...even when wounds don't heal, the pain numbs". Love it

    AnL

    ReplyDelete
  3. you have quoted Allende on my blog at least four times now :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Z,
    I want u to remember that some relationships are there FOREVER. UNCONDITIONAL. Love you.
    N

    ReplyDelete
  5. This is so beautifully put. Its like you got into my head and said what I had to.
    Will steal some bits of this for I can't think of more appropriate words and sentences.
    Keep writing.
    Much Love

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thank you Akanksha, steal away!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ironical isn't it -
    Where numbness is a relief from pain..
    its trailed by a sting of swarming pins, on the tip of each waiting to be counted

    sheeeeshhh; i realized i don't have a disguise initial

    ReplyDelete
  8. It's after reading this, I fell for you! Revealed it on your next blog as it only made me sure about my feelings for you. Your words, your thoughts, your writing.. Just brilliant.

    ReplyDelete
  9. The more we want the less we think we know,
    The more the pain numbs the tougher it is to let go....

    ReplyDelete