Life Itself

You are only a speck on my memories. Almost coincidental and meaningless. I have invested so much energy in you without any satisfaction in the past. I have devoted such a major part of my life to you. I have become a different person after longing for you. But every need is eventually replaced or fulfilled. Now my energies are diverted to healthier passtimes. I don't spend any time mulling over what used to be yesterday. I dont even regret or wish things were different. I have accepted your indifference and made it mine. I have moved so far from where you left me that you seem almost like an imaginary friend from childhood. One of these days I will get up and won't know if you were real or just a part of my revisionist memory. One of these days I will forget you.

In between almost perfect and nearly organized. In between half confused and mostly unsure. In between maybe and could be. In between somewhere and nowhere. In between now and never. There, Almost me.

*This post is mildly inspired by a friend's status message.* Sometimes when I take a backseat in my own life, I suddenly begin to have these strange realizations. This post is just one of those. Everyone has moments when they feel like the title of this post suggests. When it is impossible to deconstruct another person's irrational behavior. When there is no going around the crazy hot-and-cold way in which someone starts to behave. When despite all your ridiculous effort, it is impossible to get through to someone. When talking to someone starts to feel like banging your head against a wall.  In moments like this, I usually reach a point of frustration and give up playing before the other person does. Its only fun if there is some element of consistency. Yes, change is exciting but not if it is so unpredictable that you can't tell whether you are making a fool of yourself or actually getting somewhere. So do me a favour, all those of you that enjoy the crazy mind games

"Its a major minor detail" Everything is just the same. I got up at the same time. Wore the same old clothes. Waited for the morning cab like every other day. Reached office at almost the  same time. Worked just like yesterday or the day before last. Ate the same curd and drank the same coffee. Left for home like all days this week. Switched on my computer and started blogging as if nothing had changed. Then I realised. Something had. Everything is in its place, but for one minor detail. 

There was silence. Long, painful. There was initiation. Short, weak. There was confusion. Insane, intense. There was acceptance. Quick, concealed. There was possession. Complete, bleak. There was denial. Strong, cheap. There was regret. Constant, deep. There was you. There was me. 

You know how there are some days that take you up and down memory lane so fast that you lose your breath? Today was one of those for me. If I look back at the last few hours and try to pin down life-changing, landmark moments, perhaps there were none. Yet, there was so much on my mind today that I don't know where or how to begin documenting all my thoughts. So I guess this is going to be one more random rambling, with no end or beginning. 1) School friends are friends forever. Today after years I actually sat down for coffee with a really old friend. It felt wonderful to be with someone who's seen you grow up. While I sat there, it felt so comfortable and normal. Like we had been meeting everyday. It felt like nothing had changed in the last few years. Just like always, we were still discussing boys and our families and movies. Perhaps the only thing that changed is that from gossiping about school friends we were discussing our colleagues. Also, instead of going on a wa

I have been meaning to do this post for so so long that it seems cliched in my own head. I feel like I have read this somewhere before, like I have written this before. I am not sure if its just my brain playing tricks or if this thought has been done to death before. In any case, I am taking the chance of being repetitive because I need to get this on paper. Music. Five simple letters that have the power to change everything. There is this one song that always makes me happy, no matter where I might be. Then there is another that always makes me cry. Another that reminds me of my first boyfriend and then another that reminds me of my best friend. Each time I listen to a song I am taken back to the first place I heard it. For example, 'the last kiss' always takes me to 10 D. 'Years in the sun' always takes me to Sacred Heart Convent School - Raghav's farewell. 'Mr Lonely' transports me to my house in Saket on a particular day. 'White trash beautifu