Life Itself

For quite some while now, I have been meaning to write this out. Not because I need to, but because I think I owe it to my few faithful readers to sum up the one theme that was in and out on my blog for a while now. Like you all might know, for a few months I was going round and round in eccentric circles. Amongst other things, my blog was dominated by this one thought, this one risk that I "almost" took so many times that by the end of it, it seemed pretty stupid and pathetic. You will be glad to know that whilst I stood at the edge of this decision, I did take a plunge. I leaped, and how I leaped. I plunged face forward into what could have been the worst decision of my life. Only, it turned out to be just one more mistake, stacked in the file of could-have been's. Life is strange. It can be quite a surprise if you watch yourself do things that you thought you never would. All my risky behavior has left me with is a slight amusement at how easy it was to move on f...

[Disclaimer: For those of you who always want to know who my post is for, this is not written for one person. It may read like a sloppy love poem, but its really not. If you want a clue, this poem is for everyone that’s meant something to me. If you know you matter to me, try finding yourself in there.] Remember that letter I wrote you once, finally forgiving all that you had done? Remember that day you taught me how to spell? Remember the nights filled with gossip under torchlight? The days you came back only because I missed you? The day you told me the most painful secret and trusted me with it? The days I lied to protect you? Remember, when we first fell in love?   The day we cried till early morning because I was leaving? The day you told me she was a lie and you loved me. The days you cycled for miles. Remember, when we were bold and passionate? The days we believed our whole lives were ahead of us. The day we walked for endless hours only because we wanted to. The day ...

There is a silence that you'll never comprehend. There is a veil that you'll never transcend. There is a language that you'll never understand. There is a history that you'll never own. There is a puzzle that you'll never complete. There is a hole that you'll never fill. There is a secret that you'll never be told. There is one reason. And you'll never know.

Where should I begin? You were the craziest year in a really long time. You saw me move from college to work. You changed everything that was stable and constant in my life. You saw me succeed, over and over again. You saw me strong and controlled. You saw me make new friends, forget old pain and move on. You saw me hold on, you saw me let go. You saw me charged and committed. You saw me move without any pause. You saw me constantly chasing. How do you move on from a year that encompassed so much change, so much shift and twist and break? A year that turned your entire life into a poster from someone else’s movie? How do you step into another year, without wanting to just hold on to everything that was, if only, for a minute longer? So what is it that I wish I had held onto from 2009? What are the things that I wish hadn’t ended with 2010? If I have to give you a quick, short answer, it would be nothing. I like where I am now and I don’t want to go back to where I was. But if I rea...

It was a thought that just passed me by. It was a reason that suddenly caught my eye. It was a sensation that randomly startled me. It was a glance that one day jostled me. It was a hope that triggered me. It was honesty. It was gravity. It was insanity. It was desire. It was dreams. It was belief. It was lies. It was a disguise. It was deceit.

There was silence. There was hope. There was want.  There was desire. There was pleading. There was need. There was hurt. There was numbness. There was pain. There was blame. Then there was indifference.

Going round and round in endless circles. No end, no conclusion. Just constant eccentricity.  I have thought about full stops, but those are just too risky. So instead, I leave one more comma, one more trace of my stupidity and hope that you haven't judged me for it. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know what I really want. I get to a dead end and don't see why I walked all the way in the first place. Perhaps it is just momentum that takes me from one level to another. Perhaps it is as always about the chase. Perhaps I really do want this to work out. Perhaps this time too my paranoia will get the best of me.  Reminds me of one of my favorite songs..... Who can say where the road goes.......only time!