2020

A year of firsts. A year of lasts. 

I am certain I am not the only one who will look back at this year with all kinds of contrarian emotions and crazy memories. But I have to capture it for myself. For Rumi. For everyone that has let me go so gracefully, and for everyone that has embraced the new me. 

What started as a year on a vacation to Thailand with some of my favourite people in the world, ends as a year on vacation, waiting for my latest favourite to arrive in the world. 

If I look back at my life and point out pivotal years, this one will definitely stand out and perhaps win number one position. 

Back in March as I came back from visiting the husband in Vancouver, the world was quickly tumbling into a very scary place. Within a few days of being back at work I quickly transitioned the team to working from home. It struck me as odd that most people around weren’t taking Covid seriously. I remember writing to a few hundred people - entrepreneurs and those in places of influence, convincing them to slow down their face to face operations and shift to work from home modes. It was an uphill battle. Most people laughed at me, others told me I was paranoid. But I hunkered on. Dad had a lot to do with my conviction. He was in the eye of the storm, in the midst of all the cutting edge research. Other than that it was just my belief that we get such few chances to actually do some good, and this was perhaps mine. 

Soon it became writing on the wall that countries would shut down, borders would close and it could be a reality that I would be far far away from most of the family. Mom and I spontaneously decided we had to get on a flight and be near those that mattered most to us. We didn’t know it would be permanent. We didn’t know it would be one of the last flights out to Canada before the borders shut. We didn’t know or we may have done things differently. Or not left at all. Who knows? 

I still remember being so torn. I felt like I was deserting my team. Like I was a lousy captain of the ship. I don’t know in retrospect if I was or wasn’t. All I know is that the pieces now make sense. And knowing what I know today, I wouldn’t change a thing. 

My team, the same people I brought in 2020 with in Thailand were extremely supportive. They asked me to go. They said they would be fine. We would be fine. What a blessing. To be surrounded by people like that. That care about you as a person way before they care about you as a means to an end for themselves. 

The next thing I know I was in a time zone 12 hours away from India, working India time. My family knew I was living in the same house but they only saw me for an hour or so. I was sleeping when they were awake and working through the night. I thought back in 2016 as I came back from my honeymoon and was thrown into the deep end of a due diligence that the company was totally unprepared for - spending months at work barely coming home - was the toughest part of CORE for me. Then this happened. Suddenly I was on less than 4 hours of sleep for months. Zombie like, my phone was ringing off the hook. We were now part of the solution. CORE started testing for Covid and I never could have anticipated the orbit we would suddenly be thrown into and the severe lack of preparation would mean we would have to grow from 200 to 500+ overnight. That our revenue would grow 6x in 3 months. That we would be bombarded with demand - that we would have to say no over and over and over again. It was thrilling. It was exhausting. It was draining. 

And then in April, I took a pregnancy test. And it came back positive. It was an ironical moment. I had wanted this for so long. I was the most unprepared for it in that moment. Work was the most intense it had ever been, and suddenly my body was the least energetic it had been. I was hormone struck, unable to cope. 

One night after staying awake nearly three days (a consequence of taking on a battle against the Supreme Court to overturn a decision that they had rolled out to force private labs to offer Covid testing for free), mom literally threatened that she would give me a shot of sleep medication if I didn’t stop. People around me thought I had lost it. I had lost it. Those back home at CORE had no clue. To them I was just being my crazy, driven self. Had they a clue, they would have seen that I was losing it too. 

And then I stopped. I knew I couldn’t do it anymore without physically reaching my end. I did the unthinkable. I said no, I stopped answering to things that didn’t really need me. I asked for help. I became vulnerable. I told my team I had to stop working at night. It made me feel guilty. It tore me. I wanted them to know why I was being this way. I didn’t want them to feel I was deserting them. But I knew I was. 

Cut to August end. I finally shared what was going on. Prepared a transition plan. Called it fully quits. I knew it was the right thing to do. I knew the team was prepared. I knew I wasn’t irreplaceable. Yet, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. (In my defence, labour still hasn’t arrived!)

And then relief. How easily I went from being an organised freak to being myself again - easy going, chilled, and relaxed. For months now, I have woken up without an alarm. Slept 10+ hour days. Spent hours with people I love. Had zero goals. Been okay with just being. Meditated when I wanted to, exercised if I wanted to. Let myself go. Let myself be. I explored a completely new side of my relationship with Lohit. Becoming parents is a journey that has changed us as humans first, as partners second. Even before the baby is physically here, we are metamorphosed. 

We spent time resolving things that have been unresolved for years. Because we never noticed how the stuff we ignored while we led busy lives never truly went away. This year we saw it for what it was. We cleaned it up. We did the work. Most importantly, we now recognise that our marriage is a journey of constant growth. We will never arrive. We will always be a work in progress. And that is what makes it beautiful. 

Who would have thought in the middle of my simple life, suddenly I would get joy in things long lost. Like spending time with my grand mom in the sun. Like helping improve relationships around me. Like eating my mom’s food. Like fighting with my brother. Like throwing a ball endlessly for my dog. Like learning to drive in a new country all over again.

And at the end, this year will end with the greatest treasure of them all - of being a mother. I can’t wait to get started.