2019

I started this tradition for the year 2010, a whole decade ago. To take a moment to reflect on the year gone by and capture everything that touched me, moved me, made me. In 2014, I wrote,

"This is post number 4 in my series of year-end posts. 20 year old me would have never imagined that I could actually carry on a tradition for four years in a row. Turns out, I can."

That was the last year I wrote a year-end post. Until today.

Ironies. I love it when this happens.

What happened in 2014, 2015, 2016? What did I not capture about meeting Lohit, our journey of deciding to get married, our marriage, setting up home, and all the other firsts and seconds and thirds that happened to us in those years? 

In retrospect, I missed out on such profound opportunities of acknowledging growth, of recognizing limitations, of accepting things as they are. 

But 2019 has flipped everything on its head. In some ways, where I am today is a culmination of what started in October 2017. On the 6th of October, Lohit and I went and did Landmark. I walked in there with the explicit goal - fix Lohit! I was clear, he needed the transformation. 

The first time I did landmark was when I was 15. While I clearly remember it shaking me up and helping me cope with papa not being around, with heartbreak, with defining who I wanted to be, what I obviously forgot was the fundamental philosophy itself - everything that happens to me is in my control.

And so, if life was as life was, in October 2017, Lohit didn't need to be fixed, I did. 

Funny when you set out to change things outside, nothing moves. When you look within, the whole world shifts. 

We started with simple things. Authenticity. Lohit and I shared what we had kept hidden from each other. Ironic again, since the basis of picking each other in the first place was that we both believed we could fully be ourselves with the other. We re-discovered connection, love. We learned for the first time that neither he nor I am static. And it was in loving each other when we don't like each other, that we grew. 

We talked about the difficult things. Kids. Yes, one more irony. We spent 4 months answering 1000+ questions before we decided to get married. And yet, I thought I will change his mind on kids. Yes, I was that stupid. 

Stupid as I may be, I have also recently found a new way to describe the other constant in my life, grace. One of the things that 2019 will be remembered for is the year that I re-discovered my joy for reading. Road Less Travelled, my favorite book this year, helped me understand the phenomena I have known but never been able to fully comprehend - grace. How things just seem to work out for me all the time. 

(I read this book during one of the three most exciting days I spent this year. Israel, the book and what I learnt about myself will forever be intertwined)

Lohit and I have found a way to communicate, we have found common ground, and we have again stumbled on our love for each other. More so, we now know that this place we have reached is not a destination. It is a mere pause in the struggle that we know our life will be. As M. Scott Peck puts it, we both know now that Life is Difficult. In finding this together, we have discovered why we married, why we stayed, and why we will stay.

I have also found a better place with mom. One where I can tell her everything on my mind. Irony #3. Anyone who knew us would say that they envy our relationship. That we are clearly close. But not visible even to us were the spaces of vacuum. The taboo topics, the silent anger, the quite irritation, the loneliness.

I hadn't told her about the time when I was molested back when I was 8 years old. Such an old story, so pervasive. In 2018, and more recently, in 2019, I was able to fully disconnect who I am today from what happened to me back then. I entirely acknowledge that I am not disgusting, that I can be loved, that I should be loved.

Funny enough, the most substantial impact of this was on my relationship with mom and my relationship with myself.

I finally realized that exercising is for myself, that taking a moment to get ready is for myself, that eating well is for myself. (I also got my nose pierced.)

I accepted that mom isn't fragile. Irony #4, tiny Zoya was protecting her mother all along. Stupid. What protection does my fierce mother need from anything? She is the one I learnt how to be strong from!

2019 helped us discover the joy of vulnerability, of allowing each other in, of sharing our hurt. Because sharing pain doesn't cause pain, it eases it. (Yes clearly we only knew this theoretically until this year).

Dad. That I can call him that. That I have given him that space. That I have accepted him to be family. 2018 saw that happen. This was a big one for me. My convoluted head had stored mom inside the slot that a father should have. I refused to let him in. Even when it most mattered to her that I accept him, I kept my walls up. Irony #5.

Who would have thought that I would reveal parts of myself to him this year that I didn't feel comfortable sharing with anyone else? That we would reach a place of comfort, of acceptance, of love?

Angad, Pearl. This year saw the addition of love in Angad's life. It saw us navigate the tricky relationships that were new and old. While the base of it was clear, the waters were murky. We pushed, we pulled, we expanded our boundaries. We all learnt to live a little better with each other.

In 2013, it was a three people unit. Mom and her two kids. Air-tight.

By 2019, we grew to six. Has it been easy? Certainly not. Is this a destination? Hah!

Good news, this year, too, our love trumped our egos.

Work. In my post about 2013, I wrote about the time I stood up in front of my class in Vasant Valley and questioned the timings of the school. In 2018 I realized that that small happening still controlled me. I didn't feel like I could be a leader. That I could be useful. Irony #6. The company had 250+ employees in 2018 when I figured this out.

Some might say I wasted a good five years. I like to believe what Ben Horowitz says about being a CEO. The only way to learn to be a CEO is to be one. I guess for me too, the only way out was through.

Over the last two years, I took many unpopular decisions. I took things that were working, broke them. I changed the status quo. And it was exhilarating.

Funny when you set out to change things outside, nothing moves. When you look within, the whole world shifts. 

When I became the leader I already was, the team became their best versions too. They took on things that were impossible for us before. They challenged themselves in every direction. We spent days learning how to listen, how to say everything on our mind, how to be empathetic, how to be straight, how to grow up, how to grow deep, how to be.

When I think about 2019 a decade later, this is definitely what I will look back to with the most enormous sense of achievement. 

Friends. A provoking conversation with Akanksha and then with others brought me to confront that I had barely been a friend all these years. How can someone that doesn't share vulnerably be a friend? The impact of this was that I had isolated myself in my chamber of perfection. No one could see where I was incomplete, hurt, lost. Who can love someone like that? 

2019 has opened this up for me. Among other things, 2020 will be a year of writing. And a lot of what I write will be written to my friends. This is a journey I am looking forward to. 

2019, a year of self-discovery. A year of searching, of finding, of redefining. A year of family, a year of meaningful work.

2019, the best way to round up this decade.