Life Itself

[Last year, I put up a post called 2010 and this year I am going to do another one called 2011. I am tempted to make this a tradition.] You were exhilaration. You were disappointment. You were the tip of the mountain. You were the bottom of the sea. You taught me that coffee is bad for me, that being fat can happen more than once, that friendships and love can grow stronger with time, that no axiom applies to everyone, that risks need courage, that when you can't muster that courage - life makes you, that repetition is boring, that security is only as important as you make it, that change is liberating, that one genuine sentence can change hearts, that friends will be friends, that puppies make people both happy and sad, that hysteria* is possible, that revenge really scars everyone, that time does heal, that scrabble is fun at any age, that memory has a way of selectively keeping things that matter most, that lakes are serene, that sunlight streaming from your bedroom window...

What does it mean to be truly over something? Once in a while you go through an experience so intense that it never leaves the realms of your memory. It could be a person who traumatizes and leaves you scarred. It could be a breathtaking moment, one of those unreal, touching the line of impossible things. It could be a nightmare. It could be a taste that reminds you of something your grandmother makes. It could be a song on the radio at the exact moment that you thought of it. It could be a noise that scares you even in broad day light. You were one such experience for me. I wish I could cut you out, erase you, burn you and bury you. I wish you could feel every little inch of hatred that extends towards you. I hope you could feel pain, in ways that you inflicted upon me. I wish you could end.

Leaving is never easy. But it becomes almost impossible when there is systematic propaganda designed to make you belong and feel connected. There are very few places that give you the feeling of security and comfort, of knowing, to a great extent, that which lies ahead of you. And when time draws near to part from a place like that, it certainly isn't easy. So what is it that keeps me motivated to move on? I have learnt that I can't work for someone and be dictated to. I have learnt that freedom of expression and ownership are most important to me. And finally, I need to let those creative juices flow, else I feel suffocated and demotivated. When everything is designed to make me stay, self awareness makes me let go.