Life Itself

Which part of you do you identity most as yourself? When do you feel every fibre illuminate and glow? The blood in your every last vein, your breath raciest? What moment of perfect coincidences penetrates you irrevocably? When do you stop and stare at the immensity of you? How do you touch, and own, that irresistible perfection? Who are you in that very split second of recognition? Who are you as the last piece finally fits? Who are you when the haze lifts? Do you capture those fleeting chances? Do you etch that awareness? Do you lose a few seconds? Does it overwhelm you? Does it define you? Do you know?

You taught me simple things.. for instance, to run fearlessly. To charge at those bigger and stronger - always making the first move. To always be playful, to always be free. You showed me that love is truly unconditional. That being in love means protecting fiercely, bravely. That sometimes a little tummy rub and lick is all it takes. As you waited, sometimes endlessly, for me, you showed me how to make someone the centre of your universe, it was in loving me, that you showed us how love was to be done. In your loyalty, you become an inspiration, often told, by being ours, you made us more, you made us whole. You healed, our tiny hearts, as we grew up, together. You were the missing piece, the little radiance, the little sunshine, amongst all our gloom. You made the house our home. My strength, my friend, my hope, my joy, my roots, my journey, my childhood, my adventure, my listener, my licker, my furry friend.

There is calm in dependability There is comfort in intensity There is home in intimacy It's the in between in what is never said between us. It's in knowing that silence is understanding. Do you think about the same things? Do you wonder with the same immensity? When I am listening, While I giggle, While I chatter endlessly, Do you hear the slight pause? Do you notice the catch in my breath? Do you sense the moment when I am me? Are you simple, like your words, like your curious stories? Are you at ease, like the sea, like the chirping trees? Are you aware, of what it means, of what it conveys? Are you deliberate, in the impact, in the way you move me? There is closure in belonging There is security in co-existing There is peace in being.

I can tell you what it means, to have misery and joy all combined into one. Knowing that you will be robbed of everything. That every identifiable shred of your tumultuous identity will be stolen, and you will be left, formless. That you will own and tarnish the past and re-create every inch of it. You will lose everything, but what you will retain is the dull sense of ownership; of knowing that you painstakingly created this, from scratch, against opposition. And you will be left with an empty slate, to re-write. I remember it all. Like it was happening now, in front of me. Knowing what would make this perfect, and yet knowing it was impossible. Fighting everything, including myself to make it possible. And then giving it up. Knowing when it would self-destruct. Knowing when I was not right. Knowing when I was. But, also knowing that my brightness needed illumination. That an atmosphere that damned would not only be brutal on me, it would also be brutal on you. Knowing that our separ...

Language. Cross out. Words. Cross out. Thoughts. Cross out. But how do I forget That silent intense surreal way I feel around you?

I wrote this for you when you were leaving last year but never shared it with you. Given that today is Siblings Day, I felt like it was an appropriate time to share it. _____________________________________________________________________ Letting you go was extremely hard. Not because I will never see you again, but because I will never see you again like this. We have lived a certain life of dependency for the last two and a half decades now. Just our little, three people unit. Right from the time when protecting you against pain and bitterness was my only priority, to the time when you became the reason mom and I felt safe at night, it has been a tumultuous journey. We have had moments of disagreement, anger, disappointment. But there has always been the knowledge that no matter what, we have each other.  The next time I meet you, it will be different. It will be your home, your friends, your context, and I will be a visitor. Perhaps we may live together again. But thin...

Sometimes I see her and pain and wonder where it comes from. She refuses to shine, she rejects any sense of warmth that comes her way, she has a tower erected all around her. My gut tells me to look in his direction. To see the invisible scars he left on her and dig deeper to unearth the visible ones. I want to ask her the right questions, and give her enough courage to tell me their answers. I want to release her from the suffocation that she's suffering in alone. I want to take on all that he's ruined her with, and I want to send it lashing right back at him. I know what he did to her, I know it better than any truth she could accurately remember. I can sense it in such a real way, that her anguish is now mine. I am afraid she'll never break the silence, that she will be misunderstood for far too long a time, that once again, his demons will have their way. Each time, I helplessly look in her direction, almost asking, almost telling. And then I shamefully look away, n...