Skip to main content

Double meaning

Do you ever feel like you are having two simultaneous conversations with someone? One that is really being said and one that is almost said but kept away?

Lately I struggle so much with double meanings that I myself don't know if I am listening at all or I am recreating everything. One moment I hear something you have not said and another moment you say something that brings me crashing down. 

Strange as it may sound, I want to believe that we really are having two conversations. That each meaningless word means something. That each silence contains a million sentences. That you really are saying all those things that I "almost" hear. 

Unfortunately I never know. After each goodbye I am left wondering. On most nights I settle the matter by reconciling my ability to imagine with my ability to be rational. But then there are nights like today when settlement isn't possible. Nights when imagination triumphs.

Comments

  1. Anonymous29 November 2010 at 10:13

    I had a meeting with Amrita Pritam once (only once, over ten years ago). She said something that she claimed to be a key insight of her life, "It is when a conversation is in concrete, un-ambigious words that it is most ambivalent; abstractions and metaphors don't have that suffering." I have thought about this many times since then. And I still don't agree. Your earlier blog in which you want to "shake someone..." is a much better approach. It leads to ONE of the two outcomes: either a 'single conversation' emerges, or you conclude that the other person does NOT CARE to talk to you. They want to have a near-life experience; Life, per se, is too scary for them.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Zoya Brar29 November 2010 at 10:38

    I agree with you on your disagreement with Amrita Pritam :) However, this still is the easier approach...!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous29 November 2010 at 20:02

    By the way, for whatever it is worth..i completely agree with Amrita Pritam....it definately hurts far more when it is said in concrete unambiguos words...you can save some hurt by giving the other person the benefit of doubt in metaphorical converstaion....however the former is a far better mode of conversation...who has the time, energy or patience to figure out double meanings....which Zoya, i agree, do exist all the time...and need to be watched out for ......abstract is good for poetry,blogs...;-).....But in real life shaking someone up and talking straight is easier even if it hurts....it can be put behind and you can move on..........but the ambiguous keeps you wondering and lingers all the time....!!
    DB

    ReplyDelete
  4. Zoya Brar29 November 2010 at 22:55

    Naha, concrete conversation have a specific start and end. Ambiguity on the other hand, could hurt forever.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Unknown2 December 2010 at 00:46

    Zoya, I am going to mention this post on my blog. You my friend are the thought stealer, also a title stealter as can be seen in a previous post :P.
    But, seriously, I feel the same way often and instead of replying/ reacting to the post here, I am going to put up a post on this in my own blog, linking it to this one. That's okay I hope?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Zoya Brar2 December 2010 at 15:30

    Ofcourse. I look forward to reading it :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Unknown3 December 2010 at 13:40

    http://riddhikapoor.blogspot.com/2010/12/double-meaning.html

    :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Continuum7 January 2011 at 21:53

    Zoya, why haven't I been reading this? Oh, I hear you.

    Keep writing. Please. You know you are awesome, that you quit thumb sucking and non-vegetarian food is testimony to that.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Zoya Brar13 January 2011 at 10:31

    Thank you for reading Aanchal. Glad you like it :)

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Could I have imagined you?

Every year, I think about you. Not too many times, but consistently, a few times. And each time I am not sure how I should feel. There is a vague sense of loss, a subtle tinge of abandonment, a painful realisation of independence. But mostly, there is just a numb nothingness.   Who were you? I am not even sure I remember your face. Your smile, yes. Your eyes, too. But in pieces, in context. I can't imagine your reaction in a new situation. I can't see you as you may have become. I can only see the frozen moments that I have embalmed in my head.   I wonder if you feel the need to see me. If you imagine what it may feel like to talk to me now. If you wish you had known me all this time. If I am even a real person to you. If you have convinced yourself that I don't exist.   Perhaps it isn't as simple as moving on, as erasing, as avoiding. Maybe it's an intense removal, a complete denial. I don't hate you. I don't love you. It's an absence of anything ta
25 comments
Read more

Birthing Rumi - Part 1

The next many blog posts will chronicle my most significant journey yet - of becoming and being Rumi's mama. I considered starting a separate blog but then decided against it. While there is a lot to be said, my identity as his mom is not separate from the rest of me. In being his mama, I have become more of me. And in embracing this with the rest of me, and finding and resolving the contradictions, I have felt more myself than ever before. So I chose to put this here. Where the rest of my life and memories live.   “This is pressure, not pain.” A simple mantra I kept repeating as I went through labour. My waters broke at 3.30 am as Loi (the father to be) and I binge watched Bridgerton. I was one week overdue at this point. We had tried nearly every trick in the book to get baby out. The latest was eating a spicy labour inducing burger (yep, there is such a thing), taking a bumpy ride and eating extremely spicy daal. I had been having contractions (false/real who knows?) for weeks. 
13 comments
Read more

Well kept secrets - Part 3

Why am I writing all this? What is the point of saying these things aloud? For many reasons. One, to remember. So I can always go back and re-experience the first joys of motherhood. Second to heal, forgive and forget. For those moments that were traumatic - to be able to let go. Third, to inspire more sharing. Pregnancy and labour came with so much advice and so many stories - from every woman I knew. In contrast, the weeks and days and hours after the baby arrived seemed like an empty vacuum. It's almost as if all this is a well kept secret. (I am not sure if its just me that this was a secret from, but I was caught by surprise by the first few weeks of Rumi.) And so, as I dealt with all my emotions, and physical sensations, I decided to break the silence in my own tiny way. RCH was different from Peace Arch. In many, many ways. Among these was that they didn't allow our 'Doula' to stay with us at night. And in a way we thought it was okay. There was only one couch
6 comments
Read more