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This is how I long for You

I look at you and wonder who you are. Who are you when you are alone at night? When there is no one beside you. When emptiness fills the room and the only sound is the whirring fan. I wonder what crosses your mind as you close your eyes and drift into sleep. I yearn to uncover your last thought, to discover its essence - to discriminate between that which signifies fear and loneliness or that which beams of achievement and pride. Do you hold onto something when you sleep or let it all go? Are you a dreamer or do you find dreams wasteful?  When you partition yourself from all your appearances and devices and pretenses and identifications, are you still beautiful? Are you still recognizable? Or do you become a little bit of everyone? If I could exist around you then, without altering you, would you still seem daunting and mystical? Would you be your first self - the child? Or would you be covered up in years of heartbreak and deceit and restrain?  Most people in your world are

Metro Lights

I like sitting by my window and staring at the metro. Most people find it an inane architecture, almost a spoiler on the skyline. I find the ferry-like lights of the train cabins extremely beautiful. You know that "happy place", where everything seems alright, this is mine. Sometimes I like standing in my balcony late at night and watching trains pass by. Or the lights of the city. Or the silence. Hearing the silence is always the most fun part. It doesn't last very long. Eventually the solitude makes me uncomfortable and I go back inside. Why do we reject that which brings us peace and go back to the clutter that traps us? Why do we let the shackle of reality stop us from projecting, dreaming, becoming? Why does the "as-is" fetter us? Why does the sound and light and confusion allure us, and the awareness and calm and isolation elude us? Sometimes I close my eyes and lie on the grass, even float above it. I watch the chirping birds and hear the light bre

"Heartbreak Warfare"

I can't explain to you in words what is unarticulated even in my head. You ask me questions, plainly, innocently. You demand answers, animatedly, angrily. I cry, because thats all I can do. You wonder why I seem so numb, so impossible to break into, so hard to comprehend. I try to talk to you, through my eyes. I send you words, without using my voice. I almost touch you and slowly pull back. I scream in pitch-less silence. I hope you will connect the erratic dots and make sense of the imperfection. I plead with fate to let you into my mind, for one moment. I can see that I am speaking in languages that are almost unintelligible to you. I sense that my imploring is having close-to-no impact on you. I know that we are trying much harder than we should be. I hear our laughter, and tear it down to its naked essence. I hold our memories and turn them upside down, one at a time, gawking at points that turned into today. Were we in parallel universes, unaware of our own misgiving

"Here Without You"

The first time I learnt to let go of someone took many, many years and hurt a truckload. I remember trying every way to reach out but I was only a child and this was my first heartbreak and he was immune to pain and hatred and blame. He had been through too much to let a child's desperate need for definition, explanation, pull him back. He shut me out, almost mercilessly. He said, "you are always in my heart". I never understood how that could be true. Now I look back and realize how much that taught me. All my protective covering comes from the pain you left me with. Over time letting go has become easier. I now know that nothing is permanent and I appreciate the fleeting pleasure of companionship and the momentary sense of security and the fleeting hope that maybe loneliness has a cure. I have come a long way. I have moved far away from where you left me. And I have grown to understand that even when wounds don't heal, the pain numbs and reality becomes a shade

Do you see what you see?

Usually I don't like to explain my posts but there are too many people that questioned this one in the first few moments of posting it. So here's a disclaimer. This isn't a post about understanding "me" as in, the author. This is a post about understanding "me" as it could be, anyone, in any relationship. I would like to believe the "me" and "you" can be used interchangeably.  ______________________________________________ And then it all slowly adds up. All the seemingly meaningless symbols come together and make a pattern that is comprehensible.  Am I the selfish person you sometimes see? Am I the anger that comes across as ruthless? Am I the manipulator who always gets their way? Am I the liar you confront occasionally? Am I the version of me that is easy to stereotype? Or is my complex mind and its non-linear decision making comprehensible to you? Do you understand how I can be so enraged by something and be able to

Dreamer

The biggest trouble with having an active imagination is that reality often disappoints in comparison.  You don't cry when the worst happens, because you have already cried imaging it so many times that by the time it happens, it doesn't feel real - it feels like reading a novel - a sort of distant, nostalgic pain.  You don't go to new places and feel exhilarated, because in your head the mountains were greener, the water bluer, the sky clearer.  You never meet someone who exhausts, confuses, compounds, scars, twists, controls, connects, wounds - because you can always give them the benefit of doubt, for anything.  You never get in conflict, because you can always be the victim and evictor, within a split second.  You never move beyond, because in your mind you can always go back and replay, deconstruct, reconstruct, and relive.  Nothing novel, nothing surprising, nothing intense. Life is boring when you are a dreamer. 

2013

(This is post number 4 in my series of year end posts. 20 year old me would have never imagined that I could actually carry on a tradition for four years in a row.. Turns out I can.) There was an earthquake, I was sure of it, the table shook, I was the first to get up and leave the building. 2013 taught me that self preservation was my strongest instinct in more ways than one. You were a year of final decisions, of finally biting the bullet and moving on. 2013, you pushed me in ways that I have never been pushed before. You helped me look within and make decisions I didn't know I was capable of making. In the past, standing up for what I believed in always seemed to come easy to me. Those who know me well have heard a story about standing up in a new school in the very first week and insisting that the school timings are inappropriate or the story of how I stood up to my dad. That always used to be my way of doing things - of taking a stand and speaking up, no matter what everyo

Just so you know

You know the real me? The one underneath all those layers? The real me that feels safe, secure and happy? The real me that doesn't care or wonder about your intentions? The real me that has an unconditional need to give? The real me that smiles at simple things and needs basic memories? The real me that cherishes old letters and torn photographs, that never throws away a thing? The real me who could sit by an ocean forever? The real me that loves to laugh till my stomach hurts? The real me that enjoys the sun on a cold winter morning and would be happy to laze on a bed in the lawn all day? The real me that loves to dance but only when no one is watching? The real me that can stare endlessly at the night sky? The real me that can sense and feel everything? That real me is the me I love you from.

Introspect

Something you said struck me. 'We don't usually talk about these things to each other so reading all this intrigues me, like you are a different person.' So I am wondering. Is it that I am a different person in writing than I am in reality? Or is it that there are so many versions of me that if two friends were to describe me independently, they wouldn't be able to tell that its the same person they are talking about? Lately I have been thinking about this a lot. About what's my first impression on someone. Whether I come across as arrogant, as friendly, as warm, as cold. Sometimes what you think of yourself and what others think of you can be so diametrically opposite that it seems almost like someone is lying. And then you dig deeper and you ask the basic question. Are you coming across a certain way out of defense? Are you trying too hard, thereby defeating the purpose? Life has a strange way of bringing us to our demons and making us stare long enough that t

You are my sunshine

You know how you and I laughed until sunrise, through all the disaster? That's how I want to spend the rest of my life. That moment with ants crawling on you, with the coffee in my hands and the vast expanse everywhere we looked. That's how I want to talk every evening. Or that story you told her about us while I looked on baffled. I want that to be our real story. The secret superman moment or the crazy star gaze. I want those to be forever moments. The way you pulled me, firmly, far, but close, or the way you held me. That's how I want to feel everyday. Your intense intensity, your gentle gentleness, your sincere sincerity. You, in all your you-ness, just the way I like it.

What's the fun in that?

Sitting in a moving car, reading, listening watching. Thinking. There, that's the tough part. Talking in a random conversation, analysing, dissecting, questioning, completing. Listening. There, that's the tough part. Walking into a room full of strangers, smiling, staring, pretending, shuffling, hiding. Security. There, that's the tough part. Starting something new, passionately, aggressively, relentlessly. Completing. There, that's the tough part. Waking up, fully energised, ready to go, to conquer everything. Early mornings, there that's the tough part. Loving for the first time, consuming, filling up, falling. Staying, there that's the tough part.

Could I have imagined you?

Every year, I think about you. Not too many times, but consistently, a few times. And each time I am not sure how I should feel. There is a vague sense of loss, a subtle tinge of abandonment, a painful realisation of independence. But mostly, there is just a numb nothingness.   Who were you? I am not even sure I remember your face. Your smile, yes. Your eyes, too. But in pieces, in context. I can't imagine your reaction in a new situation. I can't see you as you may have become. I can only see the frozen moments that I have embalmed in my head.   I wonder if you feel the need to see me. If you imagine what it may feel like to talk to me now. If you wish you had known me all this time. If I am even a real person to you. If you have convinced yourself that I don't exist.   Perhaps it isn't as simple as moving on, as erasing, as avoiding. Maybe it's an intense removal, a complete denial. I don't hate you. I don't love you. It's an absence of anything ta

Forever

I remember that time. You and I both woke up so early in the morning. Maybe it was 4 am. Who knows. We spoke like it was the last time we would get to talk. And I remember crying. Not because I was leaving, but because I was leaving you behind. Who knew, 15 years later, nothing would change. Yes, we grew up. Yes, our lives became more difficult, more complex. Yes we made new friends. Yes, we went in different directions. But today, as we sat together, I knew nothing had really changed. You were still looking out for me. I was still my slightly forgetful, slighty spaced out, very excited self. You were still your very eager, very caring self. With some people, life changes things. With others, the foundation is so strong that it's impossible to shake. You fall in the latter category. No matter where we go, the ease with which we can simply coexist and talk about nearly anything, is one of a kind. To me, that's real friendship.

Mumbai.

I don't know what it's about the sea. But when I stand on the sea shore, there is a strange, never ending calm that begins to wash over me. It's not like the sound of water by itself is soothing, or the salty wind in my air is exhilarating. But there is something simple in that moment that makes me feel at ease. A feeling that is usually hard to come by.

I (don't) love you

I can tell you in many ways that I love you. I can tell you about how your smile makes me smile. About how your sheer presence makes me cheerful. I can relish in the many simple feelings that envelope me in your presence. I can write endlessly about the character and meaning you add to my life. I can see and sense and feel, every way in which you fulfill me. But how do I tell you that all that is not enough? How do I tell you that when the time is wrong, even love isn't enough? How do I break your heart, knowing fully well that I will regret it the very next second? How do I stop leading you on, when leading you on is the only thing that's keeping me from going insane? How do I tell you I love you, without it breaking you? How do I tell you I love you, and not love you?

Death

When you feel death come towards you, fast, really really fast, what do you do? Do you shut down? Do you give up and wait hopelessly? Or do you start living with a new found urgency, packing everything you can into the last few days, hours minutes? And if you do, what do you fill them with? With last minute wishes? With apologies, last words, goodbyes? With travel, with books, with movies? With new things, with old things? If someone told you, you were going to die, would you change how you lived your life? Would you have loved more, lived more? Would you have taken more vacations, danced more? Would you write that book, with all its truth? Would you have called the people that disappeared? Would you have done something different?

What was

I opened your empty house and saw everything. That main door, that name plate, the easy couches, the glass, the water, the boxes, the cupboard above the door, the balcony, the orange border, the oversized furnishing, the lace, the hung shirts, the towel rod, the tiles, the paint, the gas, the plates, the curtains, the rug, the glass shelf, the tap, the plants, the bowl, the heater, the speakers. It felt like my home. And then, just like that, it was your home, and I was only a stranger trespassing.

I know

I have partly accepted your silence. Your choice to ignore, to pretend, to forget. I have mostly embodied your distance. Your sudden change of mind, your near indifference. I have nearly understood your intention. Your unbecoming smile, your blank eyes. I have barely felt your unending discomfort. Your unrelenting confusion, your one-more goodbye.

Here, for you.

There is a moment. That small chance to retract and change your mind. There is always that almost-hesitation. Because humans are like that. We mostly can't be strong willed enough to just stick with the decision. In that split second, before we jump, we always stop and question. But with you, there was none of that. It was simple, straightforward. Maybe because you never left any room for doubt. Maybe because your strength and conviction were so strong, my hesitation didn't stand a chance. I have had too many experiences of involuntary action to know that this wasn't even that. This was merely knowing that at some deep level, I could simply depend upon you. That somewhere, there was no need to watch my back. That you had your arm securely behind me, in the off chance I would trip. There's too many reasons to not believe, to never believe. Too many experiences that convince you otherwise. But then there's you. And there's every reason to let go off fear, to s

An ordinary question

That heady mix of what I would like to do versus what I should do. That rhetorical question of yes or no. How do you go backwards when your foot is stuck on the accelerator? You turn my world into a ball of questions. You take ordinary everyday and make it look incomplete. You start at the end and smile as I try to catch on. You casually slip into my world and don't even look for permission. Simple. Yes. Magical. Yes. And that's where the record gets stuck.

For, I forget

You remember that phone call? The simple question, the complicated answer? You remember that email? The honest confession, the complete denial? You remember that fight? The insane aggression, the innocent surprise? You remember that threat? The blatant force, the meager push-back.You remember that list? The itemized oppression, the stupid assent? You remember the pieces? The gruesome look, the fearful eyes? You remember that blackmail? The suicidal tendency, the gullible night? You remember the desertion? The empty street, the lonely find? You remember the music? The polar confusion, the naive cessation? You remember the silence? The deafening vacuum, the tragic sigh? You remember those tears? The careless laughter, the unassuming plight? You remember the blaming? The careless pin-pointing, the quiet lies? You remember the escape? The casual manipulation, the honest fright? You remember the speed? The near stop, the begging twice? I hope you remember. For, I forget. 

Who I know you are

'Everyone has at least one secret that will break your heart.' Each time I meet someone new, it is almost a quest to dig deep enough to see that which makes them who they are. Whenever I have spent the time, I have never been surprised by shallowness or disappointed by predictability. It is because we settle at the surface, because we don't begin to probe, that we aren't awed by just how beautiful ordinary people are. 

A Simple Hi

Perchance, I caught your eye. It was a fleeting moment, A simple Hi. You were mostly speaking About nothing at all I was mostly listening to nothing at all. There was no game, no players, no bets, no rules, nothing set. All lines fairly blurry. All boundaries slowly melt. Friends? Strangers? No conditions, no reason to fret. What about awkwardness? I asked. What about it? You said.  

What if?

Wait, stop, consider. Question, wonder. How could life lead you so gracefully to perfection? I have never known things to 'just' work themselves out. There has to be a catch right? There has to be story, a trilogy, an epilogue? Or does there? What about the real possibility of near completion. A chance of almost fitting all the pieces, of finally seeing my masterpiece, crafted and painted in every single hue - out for the world to watch. I have always believed in grey, in confusion, in what could-have-been, what should-have-been. But this is here and now. This deserves action. This deserves to be acknowledged, experienced, fully comprehended and accepted. This deserves more than a mere cynicism. Because if this isn't it, then what is?

Knowing, Un-doing

We were so close to perfect, so near completion, so well pieced together. Until we we were just not. Sometimes it takes you many months - many cycles, before you figure out that what you see is only a shadow, only a mirage, only an illusion. Reality is 'un-perfect'. It doesn't care for emotion, for sensitivity, or even for compassion. Reality is brutal, honest, straightforward. Reality says it like it is -black & white. Grey shades only exist in the blank spaces between denial and acceptance. The moment you crossover, its fairly simple. Either its good, or its bad. Either its right, or its wrong. The only questions then are those that live in the hope of white, of good, of righteousness. Everything else stares you blankly in the face.  Intellectually, I know this better then most other people. I can slice the problem, dissect it into all its views, state it clearly and present the most rational prognosis. But does that really count? When the question confronts you

"I think I'll be brave"

Nothing goes as planned. You were an accident. A chance, a mistake. If I could, I would redo I would erase the mischance, I would rewind to our day. Everything will change. Nothing will stay the same. You & I will move on. Maybe I will hold your hand. Maybe I will kiss you goodbye. Maybe you will stay. 

What it really means..

What does it really mean? All of this shiny-sparkly-attractive mess? What does it mean to have to wake up without an alarm clock? To get up, because you simply couldn't sleep any longer? To lie down only when your eyes can't take it anymore? To talk like a strange person who has a million simultaneous thoughts? To listen, but mostly pretend. To have a million thoughts cross your mind, a million lists on every page of every notebook you ever owned, a million things, and very very little time? What does it really mean? All this powerful-driven-crazy mess? What does it mean to know that you are the last word on something? To have people look at you for answers? To not have a back-up, a safety-net, any option? To have all eyes glued, all attention received, all ears in your direction? To hear the applause, but not feel it? To reach a point of so much crazy that even dinner seems like an indulgence? To listen to your own story and not relate to it? What does it really mean?

2012

[For the last two years I have been putting up an end of year post: 2010 , 2011 . This year, I turned this blog off sometime in July. Now this post needs context, so here I am posting again.... something's are so hard to let go off.] You were a year of turmoil. A year of change. A year of growing up. 2012, I never should have let you have your way with me. You were uncertainty  You were pain. You were the incomplete lyrics of the poem that never became. You were the start of the end. You were the road's last bend. You were achievement. You were insane. 2012 started off as a year on drugs - quitting my job, setting up my start-up,  and somewhere in between finding, losing and finding myself again. I learnt that real friends stay with you, even when you give up on them. I learnt that people change, that some places do too, that some always stay the same. I learnt to depend, I learnt to trust, I learnt to let people in. I learnt to halt. I learnt that things that hurt are

Stupid vicious cycle

That moment, when you have tried every trick in the book, including the very trick that the book advises you never try: being completely honest - and nothing comes of it. That sensation of inching doom, when you have done all you could, other than giving up - and got nothing in return. That uneasy frustration, when you have written, screamed, silently begged - and the only person who heard you is yourself.  That awkward brush of reality, when you admit that every effort has been in vain - and only go back into self denial.

Clean Chit

Now dont worry about how made me feel. We all move, just flow in whatever direction we are supposed to. Sometimes our paths cross. Sometimes encounters end in uneven consequences. Sometimes hearts break. I have come a long way downstream and I know that most times we don't intend to be malicious. And I know you certainly didn't. So go ahead and walk away. I am not holding tight or trying to make you stay. I am not wishing on eyelashes or praying till I go insane. There is no pain in the world if you can't feel it. There is no deception if you can't see it. There is no looking back at empty spaces. There is no regret where there was never any hope. There is no yesterday where there was never a tomorrow.

"I thought about you a long time"

When I sit in silence, often times I find my thoughts crawl in your direction. Its not a conscious, purposeful process. Its involuntary and mostly happens in the background of whatever else is happening around me. What really makes things interesting is that no matter where we stand, my thoughts are usually positive. The silence makes me want to extend my immediate circumstance in a way that it includes you. The inward contemplation usually gets punctuated by a desire to share my thoughts with you and to predict how you would interpret them. But on most days and at most times, you are a different person than the one existing in my head. So I neutralise the apparent conflict by thinking of you as the same person, but in parallel universes, one where you are the perfected version of yourself, and the other that your ordinary self inhabits. This is not to say that I am only connected to who I imagine you to be. All it means is that I understand you are human, but to protect myself from

"Its you when I look in the mirror"

No, its not okay. Not your love. Not your hatred. Not your passion. Not your distance. Not your warmth. Not your numbness. Not your screams. Not your silence. How do you go from forever to never so quickly? How do you despise and need all in the same breath? How do you decide to respect and disrespect the same thing on two different days? How do you turn from someones safe into their loneliness? How do you take the deepest concern and make it the cruelest indifference? One day, I too shall learn.

While I laugh

Laughter can be such a great distraction. While you are in the midst of that momentary lapse of self-control, it is almost impossible to focus on pain. Its easy to drown yourself in the noise and color and forget, if only for a moment, the harshest reality. I am often tempted to deal with my problems by drowning them in happiness. Simply by shifting focus, I effectively deal with anything. This is true. But you know what's also true? There are moments of solitude amongst the clamor that force you to think, to reconsider that smile. Is ignoring a problem going to take it away? Sometimes it does. Most cases, you open those shut eyes, and the problem continues to stare at you. So does that mean that confronting a problem, feeling the pain, experiencing the emotion and dealing with conflict is the only real solution? I wish it was. Unfortunately, some problems have no solution and the faster you drown them in laughter, the better.

Monster

"Damaged people are dangerous because they know they can survive." Your silence over the years never came as a surprise to me. I always assumed that it was your way of coping with your mistake. I also assumed that your defense mechanisms had made you forget and pretend that you were right all-along. What I never considered was the possibility that it was deliberate lack-of-action. That you knew all along what you were doing. That your sinister smile was a real reflection of the twisted brain inside your head. Perhaps, my excuses for you were a shield for my own feelings. After all, it is much easier to deal with someone who unintentionally messed up versus someone who connived to bring you down. Today, I am not her. I am not that person who let go because there was no choice. I am not even that person who silently ignored your cruelty. And I am definitely not that person who innocently gave you the benefit of doubt. Sometimes, I still feel the sudden pang of pain. Some

A really old one...found this in my drafts

It's hard to believe in yourself. I realized just how unsure I am of myself as I met him recently. It's strange how some people can play mind games so effectively that before you know that you are being played, you already show all your cards and take up the losing position. I can never know with him. I am never sure of what he's thinking or what he means when he looks at me. I am always left wondering about his intentions, wanting to understand a little more each time. Perhaps it's curiosity, perhaps there is really something there and we are too scared to embrace it. The problem is that each time I am with him, I feel like a little girl being led without her will. I feel protected, yet completely exposed. On most days, with most people, I don't let my guard down. With him, keeping my defenses up is always such a struggle. It's always that point one percent chance that screws you over. I am convinced enough to wrap the idea and discard it in the heap

This is what insanity feels like

I heard you talk. I read what you wrote. I believed every line. I felt every syllable. And then I was convinced otherwise. Now sometimes I go back and read what you said. And I ask myself if you were right. I have internalized your writing to such an extent that part of me thinks its my pain, my anguish, my regret, my mistake. I don't know if you were right or completely insane. But I know that I can never be sure. I almost want to write to you, reach out to you, ask you. But then I let that thought go too. I hope you are happy. I hope you were wrong. 

Who I am not

Who are you when the light's all go out and vacuum takes away the last sound? Who are you when there are no people or mirrors around? Who are you in that last moment before sleep takes over? Who are you the first thing in the morning? Who are you when there is no awareness, not even your own? There are a very few things that have troubled me as much as this. Ever since I learnt the beauty of putting words to my thoughts, I have grappled with the one question: Who am I? I know that this is a vast, bordering-on-boring, question. And I know that I have no real answer. But sometimes I reach the edge of understanding. That little flickering hope of clarity that almost descends before disintegrating. I know that I may never know who it is that I am or what it is that really brings me into this chaotic, senseless, almost-insane, world. But I know with utmost certainty what it is that I am not. My moments of understanding usually happen when I am accused of being someone who is an

The Many Shades of Revenge

Revenge can be such a horrible place to be in. To feel that clinching desire to payback, to watch as you become the very person you despise, to reach hatred again - and see it directed towards yourself. I have watched too many people succumb to this need. To prove and disprove till such a point, that the premise gets lost. I have seen satisfaction and extreme self-doubt, experienced all at the same time. I have felt pain as it passes from one betrayal to another. I have heard each screaming epiphany over mistakes repeated over and over.  Just as agony apparently dwindles, I have seen regret take over. From one counter-play to another, I have held the tired mind and felt the bated-breath. And as the end draws near, I have seen regret refuel and restart. I have poked holes and filled cement into all these delusions. I have been on every side of this argument. I wish I could say I have learnt my my lesson. 

2011

[Last year, I put up a post called 2010 and this year I am going to do another one called 2011. I am tempted to make this a tradition.] You were exhilaration. You were disappointment. You were the tip of the mountain. You were the bottom of the sea. You taught me that coffee is bad for me, that being fat can happen more than once, that friendships and love can grow stronger with time, that no axiom applies to everyone, that risks need courage, that when you can't muster that courage - life makes you, that repetition is boring, that security is only as important as you make it, that change is liberating, that one genuine sentence can change hearts, that friends will be friends, that puppies make people both happy and sad, that hysteria* is possible, that revenge really scars everyone, that time does heal, that scrabble is fun at any age, that memory has a way of selectively keeping things that matter most, that lakes are serene, that sunlight streaming from your bedroom window

Hatred, like it should be.

What does it mean to be truly over something? Once in a while you go through an experience so intense that it never leaves the realms of your memory. It could be a person who traumatizes and leaves you scarred. It could be a breathtaking moment, one of those unreal, touching the line of impossible things. It could be a nightmare. It could be a taste that reminds you of something your grandmother makes. It could be a song on the radio at the exact moment that you thought of it. It could be a noise that scares you even in broad day light. You were one such experience for me. I wish I could cut you out, erase you, burn you and bury you. I wish you could feel every little inch of hatred that extends towards you. I hope you could feel pain, in ways that you inflicted upon me. I wish you could end.

Letting go

Leaving is never easy. But it becomes almost impossible when there is systematic propaganda designed to make you belong and feel connected. There are very few places that give you the feeling of security and comfort, of knowing, to a great extent, that which lies ahead of you. And when time draws near to part from a place like that, it certainly isn't easy. So what is it that keeps me motivated to move on? I have learnt that I can't work for someone and be dictated to. I have learnt that freedom of expression and ownership are most important to me. And finally, I need to let those creative juices flow, else I feel suffocated and demotivated. When everything is designed to make me stay, self awareness makes me let go.

Hope

Feel the mud The dirt The grime The glass pieces Scrape your naked feet Feel the sky A hundred miles away Entirely out of reach Laughing Almost mocking you Feel the walls Closing in on you Every inch suffocating Cloistering Leaving you with no choice Give up. Feel your feet Rise Reaching out for the sky Scraping and climbing Clutching and running Fiercely believing. Yes, There will always be another day.

The end of an era

Bubble wrap your memories And seal them in boxes. Then on each lonely, sad day, Unpack one box at a time. Watch those mistakes set against all the happiness Those regrets against those wins. Laugh, cry, belive and heal Slowly losing one day to nostalgia.  And then close the box and store it for another gloomy day.

What can be worse?

Take a needle and run it through your every vein. Hold a pointed nail against a blackboard and hear the sound it makes. Fill your room with no water and feel every breath slip outside. Run the fastest you have and then watch the snake still in sight. Remove the broken pieces of glass and sense your legs paralyzed. Fall from that building and hit the hardest ground as you collide. Stand still in the darkest room and feel a hand touch your back. Imagine the worst smell, the shrekiest sound, the harshest light, the worst death. Let go. Move on.

Google, I love thee.

As I sat with a bunch of the most random people at 5 am, it hit me just how my world has completely turned around in the last one year. I don't think I'll ever forget the fear of entering a room full of people, all eyes on me, with a bag, two hours late. As scared as I was back then, I suddenly feel more grown up, less scared and much more self assured. So what is my "google moment"? (thanks for the idea s Kapur). Its a close fight between you actually convincing me you were a terrorist, a bunch of strangers feeling like friends at the word go, never ending nights at 10d, sitting on the engineering guest house roof, cleaning houses obsessively, taboo sessions, two heartbreaks, finding out that 25 year olds can be even more fun than 21 year olds, being drunk dialed by a girl, Goa ghost story at 3 am, finding an older brother, non Googlers who knew more about google than I did, Rishikesh, Sri sailem, pondicherry, walks in office, walks to the fountain, walks for baski

Here is why

What happens when you are disappointed so many times that you become resentful? How many let downs does it take before you become untouchable? When do heartbreaks cement your walls so high that no one can even see you? At what point does love seem more like a sport, a chase than a honest and real desire? Are we born into categories? Those that laugh when it hurts and those that break down? Those that care so deeply, they forget who they are and those that barely feel anything? Or does life lead us into the choices we make? What do you do when you know the space between human feelings and you is like a chasm? How do you cross the emptiness of selfishness and reach a point where you actually get attached? More importantly, do you?

If You Let Me

I want to crack through your crevices. I want to understand your every little decision, put a finger on you every reaction. I want to be the reason you get up with a smile, the reason you can never sleep at night. I want to know each secret, laugh at private jokes and predict all your disappointments. I want to make you laugh so hard that you cry. I want to be the listener as you gush about your life. I want to be the talker who helps you feel better on a bad day. I want to be the last piece in your jigsaw, the last stroke in your masterpiece. I want to be your home, your safe place. I want to be the sudden sting that makes you drop everything. I want to be the butterflies in your stomach, the constant inexplicable desire, the most basic need. I want to be your favourite song under a moonlight night. I want to be the book that you wish never ends, the movie you have watched hundreds of times. I want to be that journey you 'll never forget, that picture which always make you smile.

Learning to Quit

There is something to be said about a vicious circle. Always starting differently, but ending the same way. When I reached the dead end, one more time, I knew I had a choice to make. I could choose to shut all doors, cut all lines of communication, raise those walls and run with all the air in my lungs. Or I could turn back and carefully retread that messy, painful and destructive path, one more time. I know I ran. I know I was an escapist and I know it was the right decision. Its almost amusing how all my life, my insane need to protect myself has made me the type of person who always runs, very very fast. Does that make me a coward? Maybe it does. Does that pain less? It most certainly does. So, I know there might be regret. I know there might be doubt. But I know that I'll be safe. And I know that safety will be enough.

What goes around...

Ice struck cold glance half hearted bold chance. Lead me on leave me back play your game defend and attack Enough said enough done make your move surprise and stun. One more story writ in stone another man down plenty, still to go.

Would You?

"If we went any slower, we would be going backwards." I have heard this a couple of times but the latest was last night during a play. I am not sure what to make of this. Statements like this usually make me a little uncomfortable because there is so much anger, longing and stupidity all rolled into one. It makes me realise the insane human ability to settle. We all want that perfect, crazy fairy-tale. We want to be loved, in a I-can't-live-without-you way. We enjoy the attention, we crave for recognition. Then how do we get from all that to a point of mere compromise? I have decided. Despite all my moments of falling into almost-love, I ain't settling. Not until I find my fairy-tale.

Happiness

I watched as they slowly chipped you part by part. As each one took a little bit of you and disfigured it. As every silent need made you less of the person I remember. I stared as every side of you changed into broken pieces, not fitting together anymore. As you become a multitude of relationships with nothing left to anchor you. As you gave up everything slowly, quickly. I almost screamed in disbelief but before the voice could get out, I saw you smile your best smile yet.

Imaginary Friend

You are only a speck on my memories. Almost coincidental and meaningless. I have invested so much energy in you without any satisfaction in the past. I have devoted such a major part of my life to you. I have become a different person after longing for you. But every need is eventually replaced or fulfilled. Now my energies are diverted to healthier passtimes. I don't spend any time mulling over what used to be yesterday. I dont even regret or wish things were different. I have accepted your indifference and made it mine. I have moved so far from where you left me that you seem almost like an imaginary friend from childhood. One of these days I will get up and won't know if you were real or just a part of my revisionist memory. One of these days I will forget you.

Almost Me

In between almost perfect and nearly organized. In between half confused and mostly unsure. In between maybe and could be. In between somewhere and nowhere. In between now and never. There, Almost me.

"The attitude is killing"

*This post is mildly inspired by a friend's status message.* Sometimes when I take a backseat in my own life, I suddenly begin to have these strange realizations. This post is just one of those. Everyone has moments when they feel like the title of this post suggests. When it is impossible to deconstruct another person's irrational behavior. When there is no going around the crazy hot-and-cold way in which someone starts to behave. When despite all your ridiculous effort, it is impossible to get through to someone. When talking to someone starts to feel like banging your head against a wall.  In moments like this, I usually reach a point of frustration and give up playing before the other person does. Its only fun if there is some element of consistency. Yes, change is exciting but not if it is so unpredictable that you can't tell whether you are making a fool of yourself or actually getting somewhere. So do me a favour, all those of you that enjoy the crazy mind games

Minor Detail

"Its a major minor detail" Everything is just the same. I got up at the same time. Wore the same old clothes. Waited for the morning cab like every other day. Reached office at almost the  same time. Worked just like yesterday or the day before last. Ate the same curd and drank the same coffee. Left for home like all days this week. Switched on my computer and started blogging as if nothing had changed. Then I realised. Something had. Everything is in its place, but for one minor detail. 

Ego

There was silence. Long, painful. There was initiation. Short, weak. There was confusion. Insane, intense. There was acceptance. Quick, concealed. There was possession. Complete, bleak. There was denial. Strong, cheap. There was regret. Constant, deep. There was you. There was me. 

A day in the life of....

You know how there are some days that take you up and down memory lane so fast that you lose your breath? Today was one of those for me. If I look back at the last few hours and try to pin down life-changing, landmark moments, perhaps there were none. Yet, there was so much on my mind today that I don't know where or how to begin documenting all my thoughts. So I guess this is going to be one more random rambling, with no end or beginning. 1) School friends are friends forever. Today after years I actually sat down for coffee with a really old friend. It felt wonderful to be with someone who's seen you grow up. While I sat there, it felt so comfortable and normal. Like we had been meeting everyday. It felt like nothing had changed in the last few years. Just like always, we were still discussing boys and our families and movies. Perhaps the only thing that changed is that from gossiping about school friends we were discussing our colleagues. Also, instead of going on a wa

Music

I have been meaning to do this post for so so long that it seems cliched in my own head. I feel like I have read this somewhere before, like I have written this before. I am not sure if its just my brain playing tricks or if this thought has been done to death before. In any case, I am taking the chance of being repetitive because I need to get this on paper. Music. Five simple letters that have the power to change everything. There is this one song that always makes me happy, no matter where I might be. Then there is another that always makes me cry. Another that reminds me of my first boyfriend and then another that reminds me of my best friend. Each time I listen to a song I am taken back to the first place I heard it. For example, 'the last kiss' always takes me to 10 D. 'Years in the sun' always takes me to Sacred Heart Convent School - Raghav's farewell. 'Mr Lonely' transports me to my house in Saket on a particular day. 'White trash beautifu

Like I always do

I am going to write you a letter describing everything I can't say. I am going to frankly pen down every emotion. The letter is going to talk about all that we have been through and everything I wish I had said to you back then. Its also going to describe all that I feel for you. For once, I will be honest and clear, without metaphor or abstraction. For once, I will tell it like it is. It will explain to you just how much I care about you and just how much everything you say and do means to me. And then I am going to seal the letter and bury it in my cupboard. 

Pretense

I hear you say, what you can't speak. I see you hope, what you cant perceive. I sense you imagine, what you cant believe. I feel you desire, what you cant achieve. But I continue to pretend, for your self-esteem.

My kind of love

I was listening to this new song:  Our Kind of Love  and it got me thinking. What is my kind of love? I am not sure... Maybe a few years back I would be able to put it down in a few idealistic lines. Today I cant say with as much certainty. Part of me still wants that crazy fairytale. That sweep-me-off-my-feet moment that lasts forever. The kind of love that runs so deep and insane that rationality can't touch it even if we tried. The type that makes you do all the cheesy things that make everyone else want to throw up.  Yet, I have a stinking suspicion that I would be bored of the fairytale only too quickly. My kind of love would also have to be partly challenging. The type that keeps me constantly engaged with the idea of 'what if'. Perhaps it would go far enough but leave a slight doubt to keep me engaged, interested. Honestly, over the years I have slowly given up the idea of having a "type". I am easily bored by any type after a while. Perhaps my perfect

Full Stop

For quite some while now, I have been meaning to write this out. Not because I need to, but because I think I owe it to my few faithful readers to sum up the one theme that was in and out on my blog for a while now. Like you all might know, for a few months I was going round and round in eccentric circles. Amongst other things, my blog was dominated by this one thought, this one risk that I "almost" took so many times that by the end of it, it seemed pretty stupid and pathetic. You will be glad to know that whilst I stood at the edge of this decision, I did take a plunge. I leaped, and how I leaped. I plunged face forward into what could have been the worst decision of my life. Only, it turned out to be just one more mistake, stacked in the file of could-have been's. Life is strange. It can be quite a surprise if you watch yourself do things that you thought you never would. All my risky behavior has left me with is a slight amusement at how easy it was to move on f

And the bag only gets heavier...

[Disclaimer: For those of you who always want to know who my post is for, this is not written for one person. It may read like a sloppy love poem, but its really not. If you want a clue, this poem is for everyone that’s meant something to me. If you know you matter to me, try finding yourself in there.] Remember that letter I wrote you once, finally forgiving all that you had done? Remember that day you taught me how to spell? Remember the nights filled with gossip under torchlight? The days you came back only because I missed you? The day you told me the most painful secret and trusted me with it? The days I lied to protect you? Remember, when we first fell in love?   The day we cried till early morning because I was leaving? The day you told me she was a lie and you loved me. The days you cycled for miles. Remember, when we were bold and passionate? The days we believed our whole lives were ahead of us. The day we walked for endless hours only because we wanted to. The day you

What I won't tell

There is a silence that you'll never comprehend. There is a veil that you'll never transcend. There is a language that you'll never understand. There is a history that you'll never own. There is a puzzle that you'll never complete. There is a hole that you'll never fill. There is a secret that you'll never be told. There is one reason. And you'll never know.

2010

Where should I begin? You were the craziest year in a really long time. You saw me move from college to work. You changed everything that was stable and constant in my life. You saw me succeed, over and over again. You saw me strong and controlled. You saw me make new friends, forget old pain and move on. You saw me hold on, you saw me let go. You saw me charged and committed. You saw me move without any pause. You saw me constantly chasing. How do you move on from a year that encompassed so much change, so much shift and twist and break? A year that turned your entire life into a poster from someone else’s movie? How do you step into another year, without wanting to just hold on to everything that was, if only, for a minute longer? So what is it that I wish I had held onto from 2009? What are the things that I wish hadn’t ended with 2010? If I have to give you a quick, short answer, it would be nothing. I like where I am now and I don’t want to go back to where I was. But if I rea

Just one day

It was a thought that just passed me by. It was a reason that suddenly caught my eye. It was a sensation that randomly startled me. It was a glance that one day jostled me. It was a hope that triggered me. It was honesty. It was gravity. It was insanity. It was desire. It was dreams. It was belief. It was lies. It was a disguise. It was deceit.

Sweet Justice

There was silence. There was hope. There was want.  There was desire. There was pleading. There was need. There was hurt. There was numbness. There was pain. There was blame. Then there was indifference.

Only time

Going round and round in endless circles. No end, no conclusion. Just constant eccentricity.  I have thought about full stops, but those are just too risky. So instead, I leave one more comma, one more trace of my stupidity and hope that you haven't judged me for it. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know what I really want. I get to a dead end and don't see why I walked all the way in the first place. Perhaps it is just momentum that takes me from one level to another. Perhaps it is as always about the chase. Perhaps I really do want this to work out. Perhaps this time too my paranoia will get the best of me.  Reminds me of one of my favorite songs..... Who can say where the road goes.......only time!

Where is your safe place?

Earlier I wrote about places and feelings and this post is almost like a follow up to that one. Places and feelings do go together. Especially those of safety and security. Whilst one place can seem so unsafe and impossible to live in, just 15 mins away you can feel the most secure you ever have. And as always, it really is about the people. Cities by themselves are hollow caricatures, not too different from one another. Perhaps geographically and historically distinct, but history and geography don't bring you back to a place too often. What keeps you connected to any place is those that stay there.  Take for instance Ludhiana, a perfectly non remarkable town from the perspective of travel interest. Yet people like me feel a strange sense of completion and familiarity when they go there. Simply because there are people that matter that still stay there. Or then there are memories with other people that keep pulling us back. Once again I am amazed at how social man is. How in
There's something about nostalgia that makes it so irresistible.  Today I was crossing an old familiar area and it brought back memories, so sweet and sour at the same time.  Interestingly I cross this area almost everyday but it only rarely evokes emotions from the past. Partly because I am too engaged with the present and partly because it is exhausting to deal with the past everyday. Each time I think of all that's gone by, I invest a little more of myself in things that don't exist anymore. Now don't get me wrong, I am not advocating moving away from the past. It would be very hypocritical if I did. I am the most nostalgic person I know. I draw my passion from all that's happened, I laugh at jokes from ten years ago and occasionally cry over things that happened fifteen years ago. I hold and never let go. Having said that, nostalgia is a guilty pleasure and I don't I let myself indulge in it everyday. Simply because I can't afford to. My life has

Black. White. Grey (Thanks for the inspiration, in more ways than one)

There are two types of people in the world. Those that look at black and white as separate, concrete, simple colors. And then others that see them as grey. The latter see things from the perspective of what they could be. They are never satisfied with things at their face value. They interpret and reinterpret to such an extent that the original words don't even matter. To them, black and white are irrelevant. What matters is where black merges into white. Lately, I have been intrigued by the contrast between those that see things as they are and those that like to complicate and analyze even the most basic facts. In the words of someone I know, the first category of people is simple and direct. They don't perceive a grey. They don't feel the need to dwell deeper. They understand logic and require straight talk.  The second category is the diametric opposite. They will find a mystery where there is none, question for so long that the answer stops mattering, they will alw

You

A lot of people ask me who I refer to in all my posts. They want to know if "you" have a name. They want me to describe you. They want me to put you in a box and label you. They want to be able to grasp everything I feel for you. They want to be able to understand you, define you, stereotype you. They want to put a face to my words. They want to make you small, tiny and tangible. They want to make you finite and complete.  But, what if...there is no you? What if you are stronger than their scope of comprehension and more omnipotent than their imagination? What if you exist, only as a figment in my parallel universe? What if you are colored in more shades than they have names for? What if you are too immense to capture in one single word?  What if, you are, who YOU think you are. 
Lately, I have gotten so used to posting everyday that the sudden gap on this blog has left me a little unhappy. And no, I haven't developed a writers bloc or suddenly found myself too busy. Rather, I have had too many thoughts on my mind. When my mind works at this speed, I cant slow down and put things down on paper. So on days like these, I just let myself be, ponder over and over, sulk a little, and then move to the next day.  How do you categorize things that are so far apart, so abstract and so complicated? How do you successfully preserve every thought, without losing the free spirit that guides it?  Since, I clearly don't know how, today I am just going to write about random things on my mind.  1) Premonition: This thought has been on my mind for a number of days now. A conversation with someone brought it up and I think about it pretty often. Is premonition possible? Can we really sense things before they can happen? Very often, I feel things that I believe exist, e

Stranger, what's your motive?

It's always heart warming to meet someone who's been in the same space as you. Someone who understands what you are saying because he or she has experienced it first hand. But. Our brains are so easy to trick. All someone needs to do is talk about something that is even slightly important to us and we go crashing down hill. Sometimes I wonder how many people misuse this basic human need of belonging. We meet new people so often. How is one to know that they aren't just feeding on our weaknesses. How can one say for sure that the person you met yesterday is not using the information he has on you to manipulate you? Maybe it's naive to not ask these questions before giving parts of yourself to someone. Maybe it'd take a paranoid mind to even stumble upon such a thought.

What next?

I have always held one belief close to my heart. People can never be forgotten unless someone else comes and takes their place. It's near impossible to get over someone unless you get distracted by another human being.  Only question is - how easy are you to distract? With my short attention span, this come quite naturally to me. I can be totally hung over someone one day and completely over them the next.  What doesn't come naturally to me is actually staying in one monogamous space, without feeling the need to meet new people or have more refreshing experiences.  Maybe one of these days someone is going to come along with the ability to keep my attention. Someone who can effortlessly keep me focussed and engaged. That or, I'll just simmer and settle. 

Because mother's know best!

There are some things that only your mother knows about you. No matter how much anyone else may try, it's impossible to gain that depth of understanding that a mother has about her child.   I have always known this to be true. A few days back my mother said something that proved it all over again.   She pointed out the fact that I have crazy will power. That once I decide something, no one can change my mind.  My mothers favourite illustration involves my giving up thumb-sucking. I was one year old and my parents had tried nearly everything: putting spices on my finger, tying them with bandage, telling me a hundred stories. As you may imagine, they failed miserably. Then one day my father looked at me, pointed at my teeth and said "Zoya all your teeth will fall out!". I simply confirmed if he has being serious and needless to say, that was the last time I sucked my thumb. At this point of her story telling, my mother usually recounts her fear at how crazy my will powe

You are my lie

He doesn't understand me I only hope that he does He doesn't comprehend my silence I only believe that he does He doesn't see me sparkle I only crave that he does He doesn't like me for who I am I only need that he does He doesn't belong with me I only pretend that he does.

Double meaning

Do you ever feel like you are having two simultaneous conversations with someone? One that is really being said and one that is almost said but kept away? Lately I struggle so much with double meanings that I myself don't know if I am listening at all or I am recreating everything. One moment I hear something you have not said and another moment you say something that brings me crashing down.  Strange as it may sound, I want to believe that we really are having two conversations. That each meaningless word means something. That each silence contains a million sentences. That you really are saying all those things that I "almost" hear.  Unfortunately I never know. After each goodbye I am left wondering. On most nights I settle the matter by reconciling my ability to imagine with my ability to be rational. But then there are nights like today when settlement isn't possible. Nights when imagination triumphs.

One of these days...

Make your move And wait patiently One of these days  You'll get your due Drop that hint And turn away One of these days It'll be comprehended Take every risk And then forget One of these days It'll be worthwhile.

Such is life

I watch you  As you slowly mix  The bubble formula I watch you  As you delightedly Blow and smile I watch you  As your hopeful eyes See the bubble grow I watch you As the bubble gently  Blows my way And then  I watch you  As I slowly take my finger  And burst the bubble.

One more

Do you sometimes feel like shaking someone and asking them for the truth?  Do you get up with the need to look someone in the eye and tell them how you feel? Do you for a moment lose your inhibition and decide to take that chance?  And then do you shut your child-like brain and get back to the humdrum of life? Or do you actually pick up the phone and make that call?

Memories of you....

There is a strange sort of nostalgia that pulls me towards you again and again. Each time I say goodbye and think I have forgotten, memories come reminding.  Shards of yesterday A million dreams  Scattered and nameless  I always wonder if I made a mistake with you. And the little space of could-be leaves me annoyed and just a little unsure.  And as always I write about it and leave it like I see it, as a lingering-passing thought. Perhaps tomorrow I will remember a little lesser. Perhaps tomorrow I will finally let go.